Pinch-hitting: I got a new outfit! by Amelia

HELLLLLLOOOOO, INTERNET!

What's up?

Amelia here, and I just wanted to show you this totally awesome outfit Mommy's friend Amanda made especially for ME.

Isn't it the KEE-UTEST?

I hear some of you have been around for a while, so you might even remember the LAST time Ms. Amanda made an outfit just for me. It was a dress and it was one of my favorite things.

SHEESH. I was SUCH a baby back then.

NOW I understand why kids hate it when their moms put pictures of them on the Internet.

Bahahahahaha!

Just kidding. I love it.

Anyways. It's Friday! Get out there and have fun, Internet. I can't wait to play with Maisy and maybe even Bayla (my new next-door puppy dog), and of course this might be the weekend that Scoutie finally comes back! #nevergiveup

Slices of Life, Vol. 47

This is a very special edition of Slices of Life. It's the one you've been waiting more than three months to read -- especially you, Jami L.! -- the one guest-written by my sister after her visit over Christmas. Enjoy.



All three boys had recently contracted lice at their school before my visit. Kat and Gray had  completed all of the necessary HAZMAT activities in the house, and had gotten the all-clear that the boys were lice-free before I arrived.

The first morning I was there, after I awoke, I came downstairs and walked into the kitchen. Nick and Nathaniel were eating cereal and watching TV. I kissed Nick on the head on my way to get water. He immediately started vigorously scratching his head at that spot. I asked him why he was scratching his head, and he said, “Oh, it’s probably just the lice.” 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I asked Nathaniel if he had seen “Catching Fire,” the second in the Hunger Games trilogy. Nathaniel said he and Grayson saw it, and when I asked him if Katherine had gone with them to see it, Nathaniel said, “NO. Every single scene of that movie is much too powerful for her."

[This is probably accurate. My sister is a huge wuss about movies.]

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Amelia spilled Nerds all over the floor in the living room (where no kid is supposed to eat). Katherine told the boys (who had given Amelia the Nerds) to clean them up.

Jake dramatically shrugged his shoulders and said, “What, by EATING THEM?” (Which is exactly what they did).

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The boys, as most kids are, are obsessed with video games. They play them constantly, on their laptops, iPods, or Xbox. At some point one day, I tried to divert their attention (it didn’t work) by playing “Would you rather” with them.

Me: “Would you rather be a policeman or a firefighter?”

Nick: “Oh, I’d be the Po-Po, for sure.”

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Grayson got a couple of Call of Duty games for Christmas. Of course, the boys wanted to play, but the games are rated for adults. There were parental controls on one of them. Grayson allowed Nathaniel to try it out first. 

Grayson: “I’ll turn off cussing and blood.”

Nathaniel: “Oh, WHY BLOOD?”

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jake asked me my age:

Jake: “How old are you?”

Me: “I’m three years younger than your Mommy.” 

Jake: [Incredulously] “Yo YONGO than Mommy? YO YONGO THAN MOMMY? I cayant believe that!”

Me: “Thanks, Jakey.”

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Nathaniel and Nick were playing Call of Duty; I was sitting on the sofa. I noticed that the Japanese soldier was smoking a cigarette.

Nick: “Is that meth or something? Meth is very popular in Japan.”

Nathaniel: “That’s in Taiwan, Nick.”

Me: “How do you guys know anything about meth?”

Nick: “We saw it on the Discovery Channel.”

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Grayson and Nathaniel were playing Call of Duty while my Dad and I casually watched.
Nathaniel shot a good guy, and was very trigger-happy in general.

Pop (my Dad, a retired Navy submarine Captain), watching from the couch, to Nathaniel: “NO, DON’T SHOOT HIM! HE’S YOUR SUBMACHINE GUNNER! Oh no!” 

[Nathaniel’s submachine gunner is dead].

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The boys decided they were going to make a ton of money on eBay by selling their PSP and Wii games, since they got an Xbox from Mop and Pop for Christmas. They started dividing up the PSP and Wii games they could sell.

Nick to Jake: “Jake, if you let us sell this, we’ll give you a quarter of the money we get.”

Nathaniel: “We’re splitting all of the money into thirds.”

Nick [gives dirty look to Nathaniel]: “Oh, yeah.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Nathaniel woke me up, in the most exasperated voice of all time, “Can you get up now? It’s like, 10:11.” [Ed. Note: I agree, I’m a lazyass when I can be, and 10:11 is embarrassing.] I came downstairs and asked Nathaniel if Amelia had eaten breakfast. 

Nathaniel: “Yes, she had Junior Mints for breakfast.” 

Me: “…She had…Junior Mints. Is that all?” 

Nathaniel: “Yes. We shared the box.”

Me: “Nathaniel, you know that Junior Mints is not an okay breakfast for you or Amelia, right?”

Nathaniel: “Yeah, but nobody was down here.”

Me: “You know better than that, buddy.”

Nathaniel: “Then get up earlier.”

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

While playing basketball with the boys: Nathaniel, after making a basket: “Nothing but net, rim and backboard!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jake, as a general observation: “Amelia kind of runs this house.”

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 Nathaniel’s fortune cookie said: “You will make a change for the better.”

Nathaniel gave the fortune to Nick and said, “Here, Nick, have this, it will benefit us all.”

Nick picked up the hot sauce bottle on the table and said to Grayson, “Can I pour this on him NOW?"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was going to bed in Nick and Jake’s room (Nick was sleeping with Nathaniel in his queen bed for the week, and I was sleeping in Nick’s twin). Jake had been asleep in his own twin bed for a few hours, but when I got into Nick’s bed, Jake was suddenly wide awake.

I slipped into bed and took off my sweatpants under the covers and put them on the floor (he couldn’t see anything.) He goes, “Do you have to sleep like that?”

I had no idea what he meant. I said, “Like what, buddy?” Jake hesitated. “With yo pants off?” I responded, “Do you want me to put my pants on, buddy?” He nodded his head solemnly yes.

So, I tried to sleep in sweatpants for probably the first time ever.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

About ten minutes later, Jake sat up, wide awake and said, “We get new pajamas for Christmas every year.” 

Me: “I know! Mommy and I took pictures of you in them, remember? Are they comfortable?” 

Jake: “Yes, they’re fleece. Are yours?” 

Me: “No.” 

 Jake: “Are yours cotton?”

Me: “Yes.” 

Jake: “Then I’m probably more comfortable than you are right now.”


After that little chat, Jake decided he needed to be tucked in again, like Miss Anna (his most beloved former Kindercare teacher and babysitter) does. So, I got to tuck him in and get one more hug and kiss from his sweet face.

He still couldn’t sleep, so I asked him if I could play some relaxing music. He said yes. I played a mix on my laptop that I had named “Sleepytown,” which consists of Bon Iver and the like. Jake was asleep in three minutes.

I was asleep within ten.

Pinch-hitting: Uncomfortable truths by Amanda Romine

Do you know Amanda Romine? She and I haven't met. She's one of my most faithful readers, though, one of those who hasn't been scared off after all these years, who keeps coming back even when I write about gross stuff.

Turns out, she had some Uncomfortable Truths of her own that she was willing to share. TURNS OUT, she's almost as certifiable as I am. Congratulations, Amanda ... you've made it to the big leagues of CrazyTown: Its mayor just compared you favorably to herself.

I hope to meet Amanda one day ... we only live a couple of hours apart, but somehow we've never met. Until we do, I'm going to have to make do with these, I suppose. Oh, and be sure to follow her blog and follow her on Twitter. She's a hoot.

1. I will not eat guacamole. I tried several times in the past to like guacamole; after the last time I allowed the putrid green stuff to touch my lips, I vowed to never try to take up a liking for it again. That was in 2010. I am almost as happy with that decision as I am with my decision to give up wearing shorts. I made the decision to give up shorts in 1999. I no longer even own a pair. No shorts. No guacamole.

2. I am addicted to volunteering. I need an intervention. In the last month I've spent just over 105 hours working on things for nonprofits. Is there rehab for being addicted to volunteering? It's becoming an unhealthy obsession. If you ask me to be on your board of directors, I will probably say yes. 

3. I am almost physically unable to go numero dos anywhere but home. If I am at work and feel the need to go, I drive home. Coworkers laugh because when they see my name on the sign out sheet with a detail of "errand. back ASAP," they all know that I have gone home to poop. On vacation, I cannot go without taking a laxative. It's like my sphincter hermetically seals itself shut when I leave my house. This is the number-one reason I cannot take a job located more than five minutes from my house. 

4. Once in 1998 it seemed like a good idea to dye my hair jet black. There may or may not have been seriously large quantities of tequila involved. Given my Cullen-esque complexion, I looked like Morticia Addams for every bit of six months. The uncomfortable part is that I contemplate doing it again.

5. I do not like being around crowds of people. Tasks as simple as going to the grocery store make me so nervous that my hands shake. Christmas shopping is unbearable for me. 99% of my shopping takes place online or through direct sales because I become so anxious in crowds of people that I sometimes cry.

If you liked Amanda's Uncomfortable Truths, there are 70 other posts to read in my Archives. Mostly mine, with a few other people's thrown in for good measure.

Pinch-hitting: Uncomfortable truths by Jan Moyer, take 2

Jan guest-posted with her first set of Uncomfortable Truths in August, and of course she was a huge hit with you guys. Because OBVIOUSLY.

So I invited her back for an encore, and she turned five more Uncomfortable Truths around in no time. Enjoy, Internet!

1. I cannot adjust straps. Tether straps on highchair seats, strollers, helmets, backpacks and carts holding down TVs at school all baffle me and can reduce me to toddler-like frustration. But mostly I give up and walk away.

2. I once canceled a playdate due to a gigantic pimple that appeared overnight.

3. I really, really like Neil Diamond.

4. I forget how to pronounce "Nanaimo" so I just refer to them as "those layered bars with the custard, you know...you know..." and wait for the other person to say it.

[Editor's Note: I have never heard of these things, but she's CANADIAN, so that's a totally viable explanation. But here's a picture of some. I'd eat 'em.]

via That Winsome Girl

5. Last year I was asked by a student teacher if I was pregnant. I pretended the question didn't bother me, but then I went home and put my shirt through the paper shredder. Obviously it was the shirt's fault.

 
Now, go follow @moyermama on Twitter, where she is undeniably hilarious and will brighten your every single day.

Pinch-hitting: Uncomfortable truths by my sister

My sister understands that Uncomfortable Truths need to be TRULY UNCOMFORTABLE. And in that spirit, she wrote a set to share with you all.

She also had total writer's remorse and backed out. Like, she reneged in a BIG WAY and took her first set back completely. Then she sent me a second set. And out of this second set, we removed one of them altogether and heavily edited one that remains. And yet, AND YET. You're STILL about to read some pretty fine stuff.

Ladies and several gentlemen, my sister:

1. I occasionally pick my nose in private. Because I enjoy it, like every kid does. I don't care how gross this is to you; everyone does it. EVERYONE DOES IT. If you're super-judgmental and think this is gross, here's some Bonus Katherine Information no one knows to get you on my side: When Katherine and I were kids, I was walking across her bedroom one night and stepped on a fresh booger she'd recently swiped on the floor. I started dry heaving and she was unable to breathe from laughter. 

{Editor's Note: I don't usually break in, but I have to say how nice it is that my sister chose to throw me under the bus in HER Uncomfortable Truths post. Class act. Also, I deny the event in question. Deny, deny, DENY.}

2. I had cellulite by age 19 when I weighed about 125 pounds and ran six miles a day. It started on my butt, then my FRONT THIGHS (which was awesome for a college student when Daisy Dukes were the style), then back thighs, tummy, etc. Now I have it places I didn't even know you could have it, like my CHIN. That's not a dimple. That's cellulite.

3. I know I seem disgusting because of the above uncomfortable truths, but I'm not okay with anyone intentionally farting in front of anyone else as if it's funny (unless the farter is under the age of 4. No, make that 3). I don't care if you've been married 20 years. No farting on purpose. Also, I think everyone should avoid, at all costs, anyone smelling your poop, knowing that you are pooping, or knowing that you have pooped, if at all possible; no matter who, where or when. That includes long-term relationships.

4. I learned to drive a car on a stick shift. Ever since I've owned an automatic, which is all I've driven since 2003, I've felt ashamed. Constant. Shame.

5. In college, I used a (real) diagnosis of walking pneumonia to get out of taking two final exams, and instead, wrote two papers for my final grade. I was great at writing papers, so I got 2 As, but I probably would've gotten Cs on the normal tests.

Pinch-hitting: Uncomfortable truths by Katie Free

Today's pinch-hitter is my friend Katie, who is a loyal blog reader and also a real-life friend. I met Katie through our friend Melanie years ago. (That's Mel on the left and Katie on the right in the picture below.) Katie is a mom of three and was kind enough to agree to share some of her own Uncomfortable Truths with all of us today. (Hers are NOT BAD. Not anywhere near as bad as my own that I regularly post. You guys don't dig deep enough, is all I have to say.)


1. I have to drink a minimum of 64 ounces of water every day. I can tell you my water-consumed status at any point during the day. If I'm falling short of my quota at the end of the day, you can find me in the kitchen chugging water until I reach 64 ounces. And then you will find me in the bathroom for the rest of the night.

2. I loathe the smell of commercial hand soap. I carry hand sanitizer in my purse for this reason. However, if I am in a public restroom with another random person, I always use the hand soap to make sure that person knows that I did wash my hands. Otherwise, I am just sure that random person would identify me by my shoes as the person spreading strep and stomach virus to the entire world. I use hand sanitizer afterwards to get rid of the soap smell.

3. My husband had "the surgery" after our third child was born three years ago. According to his urologist, it was successful. I still worry every single month that I am pregnant. I even have a few tests on standby just in case.

4. I am a new coffee drinker. I have no idea how to order coffee at Starbucks, so I avoid it like the plague. There should be a seminar on this.

5. If my husband is out of town, I spend an obscene amount of time thinking of worst-case scenarios in which I must evacuate with the children. I leave lights on all over the house, the TV on, and keep my phone, shoes, flashlight, purse and keys by the bed. When my husband is home, I don't worry about any of this.


You can follow Katie on Twitter here. And if you're new to Grass Stains or have been living under a rock, you can read hundreds more Uncomfortable Truths here.

Pinch-hitting: Uncomfortable truths by Gretchen Bush

I'm so proud to introduce today's guest-poster, one of the famous "Stalkers." Gretchen is one of the four loyal blog readers who invited me up to Nashville in June of last year to meet them, and she is a hoot-and-a-half. 

We share the same twisted sense of humor, and we can always count on each other to "get" even our most obscure tweets. She also COMPLETELY embraced the idea of sharing some of her own Uncomfortable Truths with you guys when I asked her about it; I think she came up with some real humdingers.

1. I'm a woman who is approaching 40 years old, which if you ask me means it's high time to not be dealing with acne. However, I do deal with it, and I take medicine for it, you know VANITY. But as much as I hate that I break out like a pubescent boy, there's a part of me that hates the idea of never having a zit to pop again. 

2. Anytime I see a sketchy man walking my way, I mentally plan out my escape from his evil plans, you know, because of Dateline. 

3. Adding to my irrational fears of evil men, anytime I get in my car I look in the backseat for masked evil men. And it's not just a glance, it's a full-on, scour the ends and outs of the backseat. I mean it could be possible it's a little evil man in my car. THANKS A LOT, DATELINE. 

4. I put ketchup on my cottage cheese. Very few people know this about me, because I'm scared of their reaction to it. 

5. There may have been a time or two in my life that instead of doing a load of laundry, I just turned my underwear inside out. 

6. Lastly, if you are ever having a bad day and thinking that nothing is going right for you, I want you to remember this: One time I wrecked BOTH of our vehicles ON THE SAME DAY.

Like her? (I knew you would.) You can find Gretchen on her blog and on Twitter. 

And as always, you can read more Uncomfortable Truths here.

Pinch-hitting: Uncomfortable truths by Rachel Callahan, take 2

Rachel's (Grasping for Objectivity) already done this once, but I guess it was just too much fun. So she's back again ... before I even got through my final other few guest-posters!

If you missed her first set of Uncomfortable Truths, please feel free to go back and catch up. And when you're done, here's another set:

1. I cannot sleep on the right side of any bed, ever. However, I got the notion in my head that when Chris and I got married, I should be on the right side of the bed. So on our wedding night, I got comfortable on the right side of the bed. An hour later, I woke him up, told him "This will never do!" and made him swap with me. I've never attempted sleeping on the right side of the bed again.

2. I don't rate iPhone apps. But anytime an app prompts me to rate it, I tell it "remind me later," because I'm afraid that if I say "No Thanks," it will spitefully erase all of my user data. Or worse, hack my phone. 

 

3. I have a sixth sense. I can tell how high a bed is off the ground while laying on it. I seriously do sense it -- just as much as the weather girl on Mean Girls can tell if it's raining. (Or maybe more.) Chris says I just remember how high it was when I got in the bed, but I know that's not true. By the way -- I hate low beds. 

 

4. I get so completely angry at my eyes when I look at them in one of those magnifying mirrors. Because they're obviously and without question green. But get three inches away, and they look brown. So clearly, everyone needs to get all up in my business so they can realize I have green eyes.

 

5. Chris has spent our entire married life trying to convince me to take vitamins, but I have resisted continuously, because I have a tiny throat and THEY'RE HORSE PILLS. However, this summer I discovered Adult Gummy Vitamins. I now overdose on a daily basis.

{Me again. (Grass!)} So, BONUS! Because I've had my friends sharing theirs with you lately, my OWN Uncomfortable Truths have been stacking up in my Drafts. So today's a double-header. That's right, Grass Stains fans ... it's an Internet first: AN UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTHS DOUBLE-HEADER.


Come back after lunch for another set ... mine!

(If you're new here, you can read many, many more Uncomfortable Truths here.)

Pinch-hitting: Uncomfortable truths by Jan Moyer

I've never met Jan Moyer (@moyermama) in real life. She's Canadian! As a matter of fact, we haven't even known each other on social media for that long. 

But some people, when you find them, you just connect. And in Jan, I've found a real soul sister. She makes me laugh out loud (if you're not following her on Twitter, you're missing out on a daily treat), and we're constantly echoing each others' Tweets.
 
I KNEW that she'd be the perfect Canadian! addition to our lineup of pinch-hitters with Uncomfortable Truths, and Internet, she didn't disappoint. When I read her email of submissions, I grinned from ear to ear. And I bet you will, too. Here they are!

1. I read an entire book and pronounced Phoebe “Fobe” the whole time. Later learned it was Fee-Bee. Ditto on the character “George” from Nancy Drew. I still say “Gee-orge” in my head.

2. When I was home on my first maternity leave, I timed my lunch so I could watch “Arthur” (yes, of PBS and TVO fame) at noon most days. Baby laid on his blanket while I dined on leftovers or a grilled cheese and caught up on Arthur, D.W., Buster and all their friends.

3. I have never eaten cereal with milk. I have a bowl of cereal and a glass of milk. Take a bite, take a sip. That’s how it should be done and I’m proud to say I’m the first one to discover that.

4. When any form or survey asks me our annual household income, I always check “prefer not to say” because I prefer not to say that I don’t know.

5. One summer I was a bank teller and it was the most stressful job I have ever had. I was so tired of never balancing my till that one afternoon I took a twenty from my own wallet just to even things out. 

Now, go follow @moyermama on Twitter and on her blog! (Only 192 Twitter followers ... that's SHAMEFUL, Internet! Go get those numbers up.)

Remember, SHE'S CANADIAN!

Pinch-hitting: A handmade dress, by Amelia

Hey, Errbody! It's me, Amelia!

I have a bunch of pictures to show you, because Mommy wanted to take some pictures of me in this pretty dress that our friend Amanda made for me.

I'm all about it, by the way. I'm really into pretty dresses, and I like to wear a bow in my hair now, and I really want a ring to wear on my finger.

So anyways, Mommy asked me to look at these flowers in our front yard.

 I was like, "Okay," because I mean, who doesn't want to touch flowers?

My favorite color is pink, so I wanted to touch this pink one that was right out in front. It was practically calling my name.

But then the weirdest thing happened.

OH SNAP!

It broke. I have no idea what went wrong; I mean, obviously it was nothing I did, but it must have been afflicted or something, because it just fell right off the stem.

My GOSH, the whole PLANT must have been sick, because every bloom kept coming off. Bizarre.

But also, AMAZING!!

I'm really not sure why Mommy hadn't told me about these flowers before, and how I could just go out and the blooms would come right off in my hands.

I could have been doing this for MONTHS if she'd told me earlier.

Sigh. I guess I'll just have to make up for lost time now.

I really love my new dress, can you tell? Nathaniel and Nick's old teacher Amanda made it for me with her own hands. OMG can you imagine?

I had a feeling that it would be a great trampoline dress, so I ran to the backyard to try it out. Mommy put me on the trampoline with Daddy and the boys.

It was a leeeeetle hard to crawl around in, but I made it work.

The key is keeping your knees up off the trampoline and kind of crab-crawling across it. In case you ladies need any tips.

I jumped with Daddy for a little bit, and I was right about the dress.

It was totally great for that.

But what I REALLY wanted to do was fly like a kite. And Daddy's a total pushover ... all I have to do is ask.

See? My dress was made to fly!

I wish Daddy could have made me fly for an hour, but he said something about his arms getting tired. WHATEVER.

I think that might have just been an excuse, but I know where to find him ...

Wrapped around my finger.