Follow-up: How we 'do' allowance

When I posted in April about our philosophy behind allowance for the kids, long-time reader Catherine left a comment that asked, "So, just curious, do you help them, and if so how, in deciding how to spend/save? And another biggie, is one son a saver and one a spender? How do you handle the two?"

First of all, I'm sure you really appreciate me answering your question from April in AUGUST, Catherine. I am nothing if not responsive. I hope you still actually need the answer to those questions.

We SORT OF help them in deciding how to spend and save. The current policy is that if they receive a nominal amount of cash for some reason ($3 of allowance, $5 in a card from a relative), they can choose what to do with it on their own. And 95 percent of the time, they want to go to Target five minutes later to spend it (although we don't do that, BUT NOT FOR THE LACK OF THEM ASKING).

If they receive a more substantial amount of money, such as $50 to $100 for a birthday or holiday from a relative, we take 50 percent of that and put it in their college savings account, and the other half can be spent or saved as they choose. Grayson has always been a saver, and I've always been a spender, so he always encourages them to save when they have a choice, and I always encourage them to do whatever they want with it. My philosophy is, if they're already saving half of it, they should feel free to do something fun with the other half if they want to.

Historically they've all been spenders, until fairly recently. For Nathaniel's 8th birthday, he decided he wanted to forgo a birthday party and put the money we would have spent on one toward a laptop of his own. Combined with allowance he'd already saved and money that other relatives put toward the cause, he was able to buy an inexpensive laptop during the Day after Christmas sales in 2010.

SO. For the last 18 months, it's been KILLING Nick that Nathaniel has a laptop and he does not. Forget the 22-month age difference ... it matters not to Nick. He is dying for a laptop, and he's been saving every penny that's come into his possession since the beginning of this year so that he can get one. He hopes to have enough saved by his birthday -- or at the latest, Christmas -- to buy his own. I think he has somewhere in the neighborhood of $150 right now, which is pretty impressive.

He keeps track of how much he's saved on an envelope that sits inside his piggy bank. The envelope holds all of the money he's saving for the laptop, and all the loose change sits outside it in the piggy bank itself. He writes each addition on the outside of the envelope each time he makes a "deposit."

As for "managing" the types of spenders/savers we have, I don't know that we do that well. The hardest part is listening to your spender complain constantly because they want something your saver was actually able to buy while your spender was camped out at Target's Dollar Spot every Saturday for a year. And I have no solution for that beyond earplugs.

I will say that we tried having Nathaniel keep a check register for his savings account, and it was a disaster. And by "disaster," I mean that it was far more work for the parents to try to keep him on top of it than it was worth. So maybe we'll try that again after he turns 10 this December. Nick is doing great with his envelope system, so I don't plan to change that until he's ready.

I think the most powerful tool in demonstrating the power of saving is to give your child an example of what they can buy if they were to save 50, 75 and 100 percent of what they typically earn or receive as gifts in a year. If they see that by saving 50 percent they could buy a Wii game, by saving 75 percent they could buy an iPod Shuffle, and by saving 100 percent they could by a used 3DS, it might make an impression.

Internet, do you have any tips to share with Catherine?



If you have a question for Take It or Leave It, send an email with that in the subject line to stainsofgrass (at) yahoo (dot) com.

Scheduling and getting your baby to sleep through the night

Grrr. I've debated and debated about posting parenting advice here, but it's one of the things that people email me most about. And when I've posted something like, "Ask any question you want! I'll answer it," a number of them have always been about parenting decisions we've made.


So I'm going to answer some of them, but I'm not going to call it "parenting advice" or "mommy tips." I'm going to call it TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT, which is exactly what you should feel free to do. Things I'll post about in this series will be things that have worked for our family, but may not work for every family. And just as I would never publicly pass judgment on your parenting choices, I ask that you not publicly pass ugly judgment on mine, although you're welcome to email me to discuss it or ask follow-up questions.


I thought I'd tackle the number-one topic I get asked about (and was most recently asked about by reader Kelly L., who hopes to start a family soon): how to get your baby on a schedule and get them to sleep through the night early on.


Kelly said, "Please do a post about modified BabyWise, schedules, etc. For that matter, you should do a series of posts for new/expectant moms."


So I'm starting today, and I won't do it on a set schedule, but I'll do it as questions are submitted or as ideas come to me. How's that?

I should start this topic off with a disclaimer that I have never successfully breastfed a child. I tried for weeks with our first three, and even with the help of lactation consultants, using nipple shields while pumping milk through them, and pumping in between formula feedings, none of the boys ever caught on. That wasn't at all frustrating.


Oh wait a minute YES IT WAS.


I preface the rest of this post with that information because I want you to know that I am NOT anti-nursing. I am pro-nursing. I believe it's the way God designed our bodies, and I tried really, really hard to do it with the boys. So hard that I made myself and all of them miserable. I had mean cases of the Baby Blues with them, because I denied myself so much sleep while trying to nurse and pump around-the-clock. If you can nurse, do it. But if you, like I, could not for one reason or another make it work, take heart. This isn't Pioneer Times. Formula is available, and while it's not breastmilk, it is an acceptable substitute. And my kids have turned out really smart. So far.

So. This is what worked for me as a formula-feeding mom, but I'll say that it was easier for me because I always knew to the ounce how much food my kids were getting. When you nurse, I'm sure it's more nerve-wracking because you don't want to feel like you're not giving them what they need when they want it. HOWEVER. I think scheduling can still work for you, and I'll explain why in a minute.


Before Nathaniel was born, I read BabyWise. Some people had told me it worked great for them; others said it was far too regimented and they either never tried it or gave it up, discouraged, after a few days. I read it and decided I'd just modify it to something I felt comfortable with, because I thought it was a sound philosophy in general.


Scheduling: My Philosophy
Hands-down, I attribute the fact that all of our babies slept through the night within eight weeks to the fact that we scheduled all of them. Here's what I think: I believe that babies are completely open to a schedule, just as older children and adults are. Once they're used to a schedule, they fuss less for food and are more flexible because they never have to wonder if it's coming. It's coming. And it's coming exactly when they've become accustomed to expecting it.


I think a baby's mind works sort of like this: If you get used to the idea that food only comes when you cry, then of course you're going to cry when you feel the first twinge of hunger. But if you know (or your body knows) that a meal is coming at 3:00 on the dot, and it's 2:46 now, you don't need to cry. You know you're going to be fed in about 14 minutes without even needing to ask. You're willing to play quietly or have your diaper changed without a big fuss, because you're secure in the fact that it's on its way.

There are a lot of people who feed on demand, and they're totally happy with it. But there are a lot of people who feed on demand simply because they don't understand how to schedule a baby without feeling "mean" about it, like they're withholding something from their greatest love just for the sake of convenience. And a lot of times those same moms are the ones who feel like they can't go to a movie or run to the store because the baby will need to be fed while they're gone, so they can't leave for more than an hour. So this is for those moms who want a chance to make a change ... everyone else who's happy doing it their own way is free to continue!


How I Scheduled


In the hospital
I always had really sleepy babies in the hospital. I had to wake them up to eat pretty much every time, but I fed them on demand if they were ever fussing for it. If they didn't fuss to eat every two hours, I'd wake them up and at least TRY to feed them that often, even if they didn't end up latching on or taking much.


Week 1
Again, I had REALLY sleepy babies during the first week. I remember with both Nathaniel and Nick, I'd have to try really, really hard to wake them up to eat during the day. They needed to eat at least once every three hours, but if I'd let them sleep, they'd easily go five hours without eating. But do you know what that means? If you let them do that during the day, they'll make up for it overnight! (Meaning, they'll want to eat more and sleep less overnight.) I'd say Week 1 should be an every two hours schedule for some babies (like Nathaniel and Nick), but some babies will be happy on a three-hour schedule (like Jake and Amelia). Do whatever works for your family and your child. If you have a husband who gets up at 6 a.m. for work anyway, you might go with a 6-8-10-12-2-4-6 schedule so that he can give that first bottle of the morning while you sleep.


Week 2
My babies started to wake up a little more in their second week. We were always well into a solid 12-3-6-9 schedule by then, and Jake and Amelia did great with it. I don't recall either of them ever really wanting to eat off-schedule. Nathaniel and Nick, however (and especially Nathaniel), often wanted to eat around the two-and-a-half hour mark at that age. I held them off for that final 30 minutes by cuddling and soothing. I would NEVER encourage you to just leave the baby crying on a mat or something while you checked email. When I say "hold them off," I mean hold them, kiss them, walk them around the room, comfort them. I was warming a bottle while I did this so that I could feed them as soon as it was time. (And remember, it doesn't have to be 12-3-6-9 ... it can be 2-5-8-11 or 1-4-7-10, whatever works best with your family's activities and normal wake-sleep times, especially if you have older kids to consider.)

1 Month
By 1 month of age, my babies had dropped the second overnight bottle (3 a.m.), so I was staying up late to feed them a midnight or 1 a.m. bottle (a great chance to catch up on TV shows I'd recorded or to write a blog post), and then was able to get several hours of sleep in a row before they woke up at 6 a.m. for a morning bottle. Moms who like to go to bed early could certainly go to bed after the 9 p.m. bottle and get up again at midnight before going to bed for the rest of the night, but that just isn't my style. I'm a night owl, anyway, so staying up later worked for me.


2 Months
At 2 months, we were able to move the last feeding of the night up to 11 p.m., and the babies would still sleep until morning. That's always such a magical turning point! With Amelia, by 2 months she had already dropped another bottle on her own. Super baby.


3 Months
You'll see on the charts below that Jake and Amelia, while on similar sleeping schedules at each age, were taking in drastically different amounts of formula. For example, at 3 months, Jake was taking 40 ounces a day, and Amelia was taking 30. Of course, he was 17 pounds and she was about 13 pounds, so that made sense. But my point is, I didn't do anything different with them ... I set their schedule, but they determined how much formula they took at each feeding, and each of them got whatever they needed. Jake was over 100th percentile in weight, whereas Amelia has always been 50th to 75th percentile. At this age, Jake slept 10 hours overnight, and Amelia slept nine.

4 Months
Jake was taking so much formula and weighed so much that our pediatrician recommended that we start some solids with him at 4 months. So our sumo baby was taking 32 ounces of formula a day plus solids at that point. Amelia, on the other hand, took 35 ounces of formula at 4 months and took no solids, as our ped didn't want us to start her on them until 6 months. Again, two different feeding philosophies for them at that age, but their sleep patterns were almost identical. Scheduling, I tell you!


6 Months
By 6 months with all four kids, we were happily on a blend of formula and solids, and the babies were sleeping for 11 to 12 hours overnight. Jake was eating four times a day on the 9-1-5-9 schedule, while Amelia was eating five times a day on the 9-12-3-6-9 schedule. And at 7 months, she still is. I think she'll be fine if I decide to transition her to 9-1-5-9 soon; I'm not sure why I haven't done it yet. Nathaniel and Nick were both on 9-1-5-9 at this age, too.

Modify for Nursing Babies
If you're nursing, I'd still recommend scheduling, but your feedings just may be more frequent than if you're bottle-feeding at the beginning, depending on your milk supply. In other words, if you need to feed them every hour or 90 minutes because your milk hasn't come in yet, or you have low supply, then do it. But don't feed them every 45. Wait the extra 15 or 30 minutes, cuddling and soothing while you wait so they know you're there. If you feed every 45 minutes, you'll be feeding around-the-clock and you'll never, ever get rest. And that is MISERABLE.


Pediatricians and non-scheduling moms might tell you that babies won't sleep through the night until they're at least 13 pounds because prior to that, they don't have the fat stores to keep hunger at bay for that long. I've not found that to be completely true, although I understand the logic.


Here's a recap of how it panned out for Jake:

And how it worked with Amelia:

Tools
I never trusted my memory to tell me what time my kids ate. With the first three, I used a little notebook that I kept with me all the time, and I recorded all their feedings (amounts and times) religiously. That was because if they ate at 3:07, I'd feed them again at 6:07. If they ate at 3:22, I'd want to hold them off until 6:22, not feed them again at 6:00 on the dot just because we were on a 12-3-6-9 schedule. Feeding them that 22 minutes early by accident would be contrary to the scheduling concept, you know? If I'd known about PoppySeed Paper at the time, I would have used their Feeding Pads (which they have for singlets as well as twins). So cute!

With Amelia, I had an iPhone and downloaded the Total Baby app. It allows you to track feedings times and amounts, wet and poopy diapers, and (if you're nursing) which breast you started on last time. Very handy.

I feel like this was all over the map, and I'm not sure I did a good job of explaining it. But I did the best I could without writing an actual book! Feel free to ask follow-up questions about any of it.

If you have a question for Take It or Leave It, send an email with that in the subject line to stainsofgrass (at) yahoo (dot) com.

How we 'do' allowance

Recently Brandi at Bryants of Bham asked her readers their philosophy on allowance for their kids. They use a chore chart system at their house, and she was curious to know if others have had success with that or any other system.


We have sort of a different system. We expect the kids to do chores, such as help cook supper, clean up afterward, fold and put away their clothes, a few things like that. Allowance is separate. We don't use it as a reward system; they get it every Saturday regardless of how much we've had to needle them to do their chores. (We take away other things if they don't do their chores, such as TV time, iPods or dessert.)

We use it as a learning tool for how to save and spend effectively, and they are totally responsible for keeping up with it themselves, whether in their wallets or piggy banks -- or they can choose to put it in their savings account, too. Any money we find in the washing machine or dryer is repossessed. If you put it in your pocket and forget about it, we take it back into the house account.


Our 9-year-old gets $4 a week, our 7-year-old gets $2 a week, and the other two are too young (we start giving allowance in Kindergarten). We start at $1 for Kindergarten, and we add one dollar each year (weekly).

We see money management/allowance and chores as both being necessary, but they aren't tied to each other. I do enjoy seeing how other people do it, though ... it's always educational! How do YOU do allowance? And if you're an empty-nester, how did you do it when your kids were young?

How to 'help' your kids pick up their toys

In our house, toward the end of the evening most stretches of the floor look similar to this:

Sometimes much worse, but you can rest assured that there will be at least three LEGO men, assorted balls and several pieces of weaponry strewn about.

And we can't forget about the DSs and the DS games, which multiply like rabbits around here ... and then somehow get lost like Oceanic flight 815 every other day.

I'm sorry, but all that crap totally spoils the look of my Pottery Barn apothecary chests.

The boys, of course, act like we're pulling their toenails out with pliers when we ask them to pick up their toys. So we designated a box -- now know as "The Box" -- that holds everything that Grayson and I are left to pick up at the end of the night.

When the boys go to bed, anything that's left on the floor or the ottoman gets swept into The Box. See? It stays nice and full.

Right now it's got two swords, several Wii and DS games ...

Nick's beloved piggy ...

Nick's Alabama cap ...

And hundreds of tiny little things like Zhu Zhu Pets, Wii remotes, Transformers, books, LEGO men and those blasted Might Beanz.

The deal is, every Saturday (based on good behavior), each of the buys gets to choose ONE item to pull back out of the box. They often have their item in mind well before Saturday, but sometimes nothing they really care about is still in there and they'll just pull something out almost at random.

I'll tell you, this is the single most effective thing we've done to get them to clean up after themselves. The box is nondescript (I'm sure you crafty types can pimp it up nicely, but I'm OK with this one the way it is.)

It sits on top of the shelves that hold my scrapbooking supplies, and the boys can't reach it.

Like anything else, I'm sure the novelty of this "management technique" will someday wear off, but we're enjoying it while it lasts.