Longing for the simple life

Earlier in the week I was thinking about how many things had gone "wrong" this month.

It wasn't so much that things had gone wrong as it was that they hadn't gone as I'd hoped they would, as I'd planned they would.

But still, it was a long list, and I was really lamenting a few of the situations at the top of the list.

Sometimes I long for the days when life was absolutely AMAZING and couldn't POSSIBLY get any better, just because a refrigerator had been delivered and that meant a big box was around.

Those were the days.

No post title is innocuous enough to blunt the horror

When I was at the annual summer scrapbooking crop last weekend, I noticed one evening while brushing my teeth that my travel toothbrush was looking a little "worn."

 It's a Colgate toothbrush, but I've used it for longer than I thought, I guess. Now it just says "jate."

I don't have a set schedule on which I replace the toothbrush that stays in my travel bag ... Does anyone? As I was brushing, I started thinking about when I'd last replaced it. Ultimately, I couldn't remember, so I decided I probably ought to buy a new one next time I was at Wal-Mart.

Mental note, made.

Then I made the monumental mistake of taking a really close look at the bristles.

MONUMENTAL mistake, Internet.

I hope your breakfast has had time to settle.

And then I died.

So yes, I'm writing this from my grave. My grave where I lie because I died of a heart attack after seeing what looked like decades of green buildup RIGHT THERE UNDER MY NOSE ON MY TRAVEL TOOTHBRUSH.

I won't blame you if you never come here again. How can you possibly read anything written by someone who just brushed her teeth with that on Saturday?

If I were still alive, it might make you feel better to know that there is now a reminder set on my email to change out my travel toothbrush every three months.

Blue belts in the hou-oooooose!

When Nathaniel and Nick started Aiki-Judo in March of last year, I didn't know how long they'd stick with it.

They'd never participated in any year-round sports before ... soccer and baseball were both seasonal, so doing something twice a week, 52 weeks in a row was bound to be a big adjustment.

In March of 2012, I wondered if we'd still be training at the dojo in six months.

Six months came and went, and I wondered if we'd still be there after a year.

A year came and went, and the boys were still going strong.

They've now been attending class for 15 months, and they haven't taken a break except for Spring Breaks and Christmas (when the dojo is closed), and our family vacations.

They've progressed from white to gold to orange to green to blue belts in those 15 months.

They just earned their blue belts last week, and last night was their first full class as official blue belts.

And since they each earned straight As in school this year, they get the added bonus of a red stripe on their belts.

I'm so proud of them for sticking with their training, and I'm even prouder of them for staying committed to their school work at the same time, working really hard on both.

I don't know if any of you have been considering some form of martial arts for your kids and have found yourself "on the fence," but I can tell you unequivocally that it's been great for our boys. (And the parents of all the boys AND girls in our class echo my sentiments.) It's not a cure-all for disobedience, laziness, sassiness, lack of focus, poor performance in school, or anything else ... but it's a good foundation upon which you as parents can build.

And now, onward toward purple!

Where I got 'the gene'

My parents have spent the last two months packing up the Atlanta home they've lived in for the past 26 years to move full-time to their mountain house in North Carolina.

Since they started cleaning out the house and packing, I've received several emails a week from my dad, emails with attached pictures of furniture, toys, school projects and long-forgotten photos.

It's been all sorts of fun seeing all those things again after so much time has passed, and they also packed up three boxes of children's books and memorabilia that they'd saved from my childhood and shipped those to me.

The day after they moved, I got a couple of emails containing a series of pictures from my dad.

The pictures chronicled the move, including the loan of their grand piano to their church pianist -- which meant moving it to her house.

I wonder if the guys have ever had a man take pictures of almost their every step before.

I bet when they showed up for work that day, they didn't realize they'd spend the day under the watchful eye of a papparazzo.

Nonetheless, they managed to get the piano in place, and I'm sure the church pianist will enjoy it while it's on loan.

Guess who had the movers pose for one last cute picture.

Oh sorry. It wasn't ONE more picture; it was two. And guess who identified them in the email to me BY FIRST AND LAST NAME.

My mistake. It wasn't TWO final cute pictures; it was THREE. And guess who copied the movers on the email to me because HE HAD PROCURED THEIR EMAIL ADDRESSES.

Yep. That would be my dad. None of this was surprising to me, by the way. That's just the kind of guy he is.

And he takes so many pictures and collects so many stories (that he's kind enough to share with me and my sister via email) that he could easily have a blog of his own ... but instead he just taps it all out in emails to us.

But if you were wondering where I got the gene for this gig here? Now you know.

Uncomfortable truths, vol. 50

1. I wonder if we are slowly killing ourselves by continuing to use the perfectly functioning microwave we bought when we got married. Eighteen years ago.

2. I think I'm going to invest in a rake -- the kind you use for your yard -- to clean my den every night. That's right, MY DEN. Seems infinitely more efficient to me than continuing to use my hands to pick up all the junk these rascals strew everywhere in a single day.

3. Every time I fly, I practice the flight number over and over in my head until I get comfortable with the thought that it just doesn't have the ring of a plane crash to it. ("Seventy-two-ninety-three," good. "Twenty-two-eleven," baaaad.)

4. This maternity T-shirt I've been wearing as a PJ shirt since I was pregnant with Nathaniel 11 years ago might be on its last leg.

5. Would I pour orange juice over my Chick-fil-A Minis and then eat them? No. But I drink a swig of orange juice with every bite. I can't even explain myself.


For you Grass Stains newbies, you can find more Uncomfortable Truths here.

Slices of Life, Vol. 45

Grayson popped some popcorn the other night, and the boys each wanted a bowl. They're not allowed to eat it in the den anymore, since the last time I cleaned under the couch cushions, I found about 40 pieces of popcorn ... so now they have to eat it in the kitchen. Not 45 seconds after they'd started eating:

Grayson: "JAKE!"

Jake: "What."

Grayson: "Pick up all the popcorn you spilled all over the floor. And how did it land in the den, anyway? You're not supposed to have the popcorn IN the den."

Jake: "I didun."

Grayson: "Then how did it get all over the carpet?"

Jake: "I dunt know."

Me: "Jake, were you standing in the kitchen or in the den?"

Jake: "It's hahd to say ..."

 



During the week we were without a dishwasher, I often asked Nathaniel to keep Amelia corralled in the den while I washed big loads of dishes in the sink. On one such evening, he headed to the bathroom in the hallway between the kitchen and the den:

Me: "Hey, what about Amelia? Who's watching her?"

Nathaniel: "Oh, I gave her the iPad, a chew toy and the remote. She's good 'til I get back."

The other night, we were driving home along the crest of the mountain at sunset. 

Me: "Boys. Look at the sunset ... it's so beautiful. The sun looks like a big ball of fire."

Nick:  [eyebrows raised]  "You do know that the sun IS a big ball of fire, right?"

 
Also while driving home from school recently:

Nathaniel: "I'm glad we live right in between school and the pool."

Nick: "Why?"

Nathaniel: "I don't know. I just like that we're an equal distance from each one."

Me: "Did you know there's a word for that? It's 'EQUIDISTANT.' We use that when we're talking about things that are an equal distance apart, or EQUALLY DISTANT from one another."

Nathaniel:  [pause]  "I hope they know that all they did was drop the L. I mean, it sounds like an impressive word and all, but really they could've just made it 'EQUALDISTANT.' "

The boys' elementary school tweets the breakfast and lunch menu every evening for the following day, which is really handy because then the boys can tell me if they want me to pack their lunch from home. Recently:

Me: "Hey, boys. Tomorrow, breakfast is pancakes! Sounds yummy."

Nick: "I know! I saw that on the menu at school today."   [then, under his breath]  "Sexy, SEXY pancakes."

When I took Jake to see Mickey's Music Fest in early March, there were several announcements over the PA system prior to the beginning of the show that warned the audience that the show was about to begin. Finally, the announcer did a big countdown: "FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE ... LET'S START THE SHOW!" And the curtain raised, and everything got under way.

We enjoyed the first half of the show, which included big numbers by Mickey, Minnie, Donald and Goofy, as well as the casts of Aladdin and The Little Mermaid. The Aladdin number included acrobatics and smoky visual effects, and The Little Mermaid showcased some ballroom dancing and beautiful neon visual effects. It was so cool! And then it was time for intermission.

Me: "Jakey, what's your favorite part so far?"

Jake: "The countdown!"

Nick: "What's a B word?"

Me: "I'm not getting into this discussion with you today."

Nick: "Mommy. I know pretty much all of the bad words. And somebody said a word today at school that he got in trouble for, and I can't remember what it was. But it started with a B, and now I can't remember it. It wasn't b-i-t-c-h, because I know that one."

Me: "GREAT. Well, I can't think of another B word."

Nick: "Well, there can't be another B word, because if there was, I'd know it already. YouTube is like a DICTIONARY of bad words."

The other day Jake was sort of cupping his "privates" while having a conversation with me in the kitchen. 

Me: "Jakey, do you need to go potty?"

Jake: "No."

Me: "Are you sure? You look uncomfortable."

Jake: "I don't need to."

Me: "Then why are you holding your penis?"

Jake: "Well, sometimes my penis and my other pahts down dare point in diffwent diwections. So I have to move dem awound a widdle bit wiff my hands so day go de same diwection, so I can be com-ftuh-bull."

When we were out at Tannehill State Park for the day, at one point we found ourselves wading in the creek near a family at a picnic table. A woman got up from the table and walked about 40 yards to their conversion van, parked nearby in the lot. She dug around in the van for a minute or so, then shouted several sentences back and forth with the others at the picnic table about whatever it was she couldn't find. (Of note: This family was a little more redneck than most people we know.) (Not judging ... but it is what it is.) 

Nick turned to me, eyebrows raised in surprise, and said, "THAT must be their ACCENTS."

One evening while watching TV:

Jake: "Mommy. Do you know what 'adult fwiends' are?"

Me: "Umm. I don't know. What do you mean?"

Jake: "Dare gwown-ups, who still wike kids."

Me: "Oh! So what adult friends do you have?"

Jake:  [taps his finger on his chin]  "Umm, Mop, Pop, Sawah Ewwen, Miss Anna and Miss Ewwin."

Nathaniel came running in the kitchen the other day, breathless:

Nathaniel: "Mommy. I think I might have found a baby oppossum in the yard. I don't know if it's dead or alive."

Me: "How can you not know if it's dead or alive??"

Nathaniel: "WELL IT'S A 'POSSUM. THEY PLAY DEAD."

Amelia recently got her own iPod, and she knows how to activate virtually every feature on it. The other day I heard the telltale beep that told me Amelia had "called" Siri into action:

Siri: [ding]

Amelia: "Ooh ooh hi-hi-hi ..."

Siri: "Now playing all Maroon Five songs."

[Moves Like Jagger starts]

Pinch-hitting: I watched people do things at the pool, by Amelia

Hi, Errbody, It's me, Amelia!

Mommy's already told you about one trip to the pool this Summer, so she thought it would be better if I told you about the one we took on Sunday.

She got me really excited about it because she said it was a New Pool! That we'd Never Been To Before! And it had Cool Stuff!

And it did. I mean, it had cool stuff. And we'd never been there before.

So of course my BROTHERS just jumped right in and didn't look back.

But I wasn't like, TOTALLY sure I wanted to get right in.

I mean, these are important decisions that have to be pondered. Considered carefully.

I finally decided it might be okay if I got in A LITTLE BIT.

If anybody reading this out there is under, like, 4 years old, you've gotta know that you can't make this too easy on them. They can't just trot you out in public to a new place and expect you to be okay with it. WE'VE GOTTA MAKE 'EM WORK FOR IT.

Also, it came to my attention on Sunday that I'm the only one in the family who doesn't have their own goggles.

WHAT THE WHAT?

That's a'ight. I'll just borrow Nick's.

Girls. Listen up. When you take goggles off your head, be aware that they'll give you some fierce bedhead.

Mommy said I looked like some dude named Jack Nicholson. I don't know who that is, but I'm guessing it's not a compliment.

I believe that's called "kicking someone while they're down." I mean, I don't make fun of HER when SHE'S got wet hair, so I don't know why she started in on ME.

We were at this place Mommy kept calling "The Y," and at these "Y" places, you have to pass some kind of swim test to be able to play on the funnest stuff. In other words, I COULDN'T.

But Jake, Nathaniel and Nick could pretty much go wherever they wanted.

Jake loved this red mushroom that poured water over him. Nathaniel took me in it, and let me tell you: It was overrated.

Nathaniel and Nick also spent a whole lot of their day on the water slides.

Again, even though I tried to go up the ladder, I WASN'T ALLOWED.

Pretty much I got to wade in the shallow end and jump off the side to whomever was in the mood to catch me.

Thank goodness for Nathaniel. (Yes, Mommy probably caught me more than 100 times, but it's part of her JOB, so she doesn't get extra credit for that.)

It was easy to tell Nathaniel and Nick were having a good time all day. I mean, they were All Smiles All the Time.

But like, truth be told, I'm pretty sure if you asked them, they'd say they were happiest when they were playing with me.

Why else would they have run back and forth filling my bucket up with water more than 50 times apiece?

So yes, I'd go back. Even though I can't do all the big-kid stuff.

*sigh*  I suppose I can find a few things to do there, if I have to.

It definitely wasn't ALL bad.

Mommy? Hey, Mommy? Can we go back tomorrow?