Everyone, say hello to my new friend, Jenny

If someone asked me to pay $10,000 today so that I could be 40 pounds lighter tomorrow, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Literally. If that were the offer, I'd jump on it so fast my tummy would jiggle. In fact, I'd probably pay MORE than that. Put it on my equity line. Put it on a credit card. Whatever. If someone could make it that easy for me to lose the weight, I'd pay a lot.

I'm tired. Tired of looking at all the smaller, more stylish clothes in my closet that I can't wear. Tired of trying to find one more cute black top at the mall. Tired of clasping my hands in front of myself to hide my tummy. Tired of wearing maternity shorts when my baby is already 15 months old. Tired of carrying around an imaginary due date in my head to quote to strangers in case they ask me when I'm due. Because it is as distinctly embarrassing -- if not MORE embarrassing -- to be the askee of that question as it is to be the asker of that question. NO ONE wants to have a reason to say, "Sorry, I'm not pregnant."

I've lost 30 pounds three times now. The first time was when we were trying to get pregnant with Nathaniel and I wanted to be as healthy as possible. The second time was after I had him. The third time was after I had Nicholas. And now, here I am again. So I know I can do it. It's going to take me probably six months, but I can do it. I just really need it to be EASIER this time.

I wanted to basically have everything ready for me to eat, so I just have to throw it in my bag when I leave every morning. Well, THAT'S not gonna happen, no matter what program I'm on, I suppose. I'll have to do some sort of prep work -- whether throwing together a small side salad or washing veggies -- whether I'm simply counting Points on my own or following a formal program. But I'm choosing Jenny Craig, and I hope it goes well. Valerie Bertinelli, you have inspired me.

I bought this:



Which, as you can see, had a huge dent in it, right out of the box. But once you get one of these out of the store, into your car, out of your car, into your house, out of the box, and in the right spot, you're not returning it because of a small dent. AND THEY KNOW THAT.



Once it was in place, I put all of this in it:

I started the program on Monday of this week, and I don't talk to my counselor again until Tuesday the 4th. I'm seriously going to try not to blog about it except once a week, probably on Tuesdays when I have any news to report. (And hopefully it will always be good news.) No one wants to hear me gripe about food every day, I'm quite sure.

What I can tell you so far: The food isn't bad, but the portions are small. VERY SMALL. My desire to eat has been stripped away. Whereas I used to look forward to meals, now when it's time to eat, I wish it weren't. Cake and cookie have now taken on new meaning. They are now spoken as "cake" and "cookie," with air quotes. The cakes and cookies that are part of the program couldn't be called cakes and cookies in a non-dieting world. Plus, I'm hungry pretty much all the time. So far, the six-small-meals-a-day approach isn't really working that well for me. (I was going to post a disclaimer that clearly stated that I'm not being paid to blog about Jenny Craig, but I think that paragraph just accomplished that for me.)

But I'm on board the train. I'm not cheating. (Day 5 is almost over. Woo hoo!) And no, I'm not posting a "Before" picture in profile, not in this lifetime. No "After" bikini shot, either. NO SIREE BOB.

Wish me luck.

TargetWatch '09: The wait is killing me

Get ready, Grass Stains readers!

This fall, when SuperTarget opens in my neighborhood, I will be celebrating big-time. And I want you to be able to celebrate with me ... because it will be so much more fun to share it with all 12 of you.


At the store's grand opening, I will purchase a $100 Target gift card to give away to one of my readers. But, here's the thing ... sometimes when people do giveaways, they have LOTS more people than normal read their post for that day and try to win the gift item. And while that's great and all, I'd just love for one of you who drops by every day to get it.

So, I'm going to keep it on the down-low. I'm not going to ask you to spread the word. Just keep reading -- and commenting occasionally, so I know who you are -- and we'll hope for the best. (I'm certainly not going to PREVENT the random winner from winning, whether I know you or not; I'm just sayin'.) Sure, I'd love for you to refer me to your friends as a good read, but not just for the giveaway. But start sending them over now, if you want to send them at all, so they can get to know me a little bit before The Big Day.

Now EVERYONE has something to look forward to when my SuperTarget opens! Good times.

I am here for you

Tomorrow is (apparently) National Cheesecake Day.




If you dine-in tomorrow at Cheesecake Factory, you can get any cheesecake for half price. (I think the dining-in part is mandatory.) Click here for all the fine print.

ENJOY it for me; I'm going to have to skip it. More on that later this week.

Stylin' in his new shoes

When I discovered two bloody blisters on Jake's left foot, I decided it was high time to replace his shoes. (I'm nothing if not an attentive parent.)

I took the boys to the mall (the Stride-Rite is the only place I can find open past 5:00 that carries XW shoes) after work, and we made our presence known in ways that only we can.

Jake was THRILLED to find a pair of faux-Crocs that fit his very fat, juicy feet.



And I must say, they are WAY cuter than real Crocs! They look like crocodiles. Precious.

Because I didn't have socks with me (because I wasn't letting Jake wear his old shoes after I discovered his blisters), I had to buy socks in the store.

"Hello, nice shoe lady. Let me take those socks off your hands for you. I just LOVE what you picked out ... they match my shirt perfectly!"

"Here, you can have them back so I can properly assess the shoes."

"I'm diggin' the shoes."

"I LOVE this shoe lady! She is totally into me."

"I'm just gonna play for a minute over here while you pay."

"I'm PAST ready to go. I'm hungry. Let's split."

After we finished up at the shoe store, we headed down to the food court to grab a bite to eat. I let Nick handle his own ketchup, from tearing open the packets to putting it on his "plate." You can see that it went well, if you count 50 percent of the ketchup hitting the plate as "going well."

There was plenty on the table, but did you notice where ELSE it ended up?

THAT'S RIGHT, ON THE COLUMN NEXT TO OUR TABLE.

It looked like a crime scene with its spatters and smudge.

After they finished eating, they asked for a treat and since -- aside from the column splattering -- they'd done so well, I bought the big boys Chick-fil-A Ice Dreams in to-go cups. They followed me and Jake in a little ice cream parade through Belk. We hit the store entrance ...

Followed by the shoe department ...

Followed by cosmetics ...

And jewelry, where Nick asked me to take his picture with his Ice Dream.

And the whole time, Jakey sat turned around in his stroller, watching them eat. It was sort of a pitiful sight.

But he has some sort of an infection, and I didn't want them sharing with him and possibly getting it. Poor, deprived baby.

But he DID get two new pairs of shoes, and hopefully his blisters will heal really quickly. So sorry, baby!

FaceBook bonus

I read one of the funniest things just now on FaceBook that I've seen since I joined. One of my friends posted her status, and a mutual friend responded:

Bonnie: Poor Daniel! Two days after his birthday, his fish dies! (No, it wasn't a birthday present. It made it since Christmas. That is a fish record for us!) I guess it is off to find a new fish tomorrow.

Starla: I won a fish one time at a carnival. My mom made me keep it in a recycled cool whip bowl and feed it dry grits. Goldie was a fighter....he/she lived for years. Did you over-pamper your fish with a fish bowl & fish food?


COOL WHIP BOWL? DRY GRITS? I have GOT to meet her mom.

Fresh-air artwork

I've found the Disney Store online outlet to be a great place to get gifts for kids once they go on clearance.

I'm on the lookout pretty much year-round, because we are responsible for taking 13 gifts to the beach each year to celebrate all the kids' birthdays together. They're supposed to be as similar as possible -- if not identical -- to reduce infighting, and this year I was thrilled to find Disney character acrylic paint sets on sale for $3.99 each back around Christmas. I quickly grabbed a whole collection of them and saved them for the beach.

Nathaniel and Nicholas have been dying to work on theirs, so I finally pulled them out, covered the table on the deck with newspaper, and let them go at it.

Nathaniel worked on Buzz Lightyear.



Nick worked on Mickey and Pluto.

They painted and painted and painted for over an hour, trying to get everything "just right."

To me, this is even better than the paint-by-numbers things we did when I was growing up. The canvas (real canvas!) has the colors you're supposed to use printed very lightly on it, and you just paint right over it.

They were so proud of their creations! I hung them up on nails in the playroom so they can admire their handiwork daily.

We may not be budding professional artists, but it was a great way to spend a summer evening!

Please pray for Stellan

Of all the sick children I've read about or linked to from the blogs I read daily, Stellan is the only one (aside from Jonah, of course) whom I've felt absolutely compelled to include on my sidebar as a reminder to myself (and hopefully others) to pray for him every chance I get.

He is struggling today. He is weak, he is sick, and I am teary-eyed over his plight.

Please, please take a moment now and say a prayer for Stellan, his family and his doctors. Thank you.

Saying goodbye to an extraordinary woman

I have always wondered what it would be like to be extraordinary.

I'm not talking about being good at the basics of life. I mean, people compliment me occasionally on being able to do a lot of things in a short amount of time, or tell me I have a nice singing voice, or comment on the fact that they think I'm a good friend. None of that counts as extraordinary, even within the confines of my little life.

I'm talking about people who will long be remembered for the mark they left on the world, whether it's as an artist, a political figure, a writer, a philanthropist or an athlete. And there are certainly many extraordinary people who aren't in the public spotlight or aren't well-known outside of a specific geographic area.

I had the privilege of attending the memorial service of one of those quieter Extraordinary People last week. My friend Mandy's mother died this month after a heroic, inspiring 11-year battle with cancer. And while I know Mandy much better than I knew Jan, I have been inspired by Jan's faith and courage in the face of that dreaded disease ever since I met her 10 years ago.

A few years ago, Jan and her husband Alex moved to Florida to retire and enjoy the rest of their days together. So when she passed away, they first had a funeral in Florida and buried her there, which was her wish. But there were so many people in Birmingham who loved her so dearly, the entire family drove here for a second service at our church. It was packed to the edges of the room.

During the joyful service -- a celebration of Jan's life, just as she wanted it to be -- I was struck by a few things in particular that I felt compelled to write down.

First, as our pastor was speaking about Jan, he said that something he always noticed about Jan was that -- no matter her circumstances -- she never allowed herself to be The Point. And because in this day and age, so many people's sole objective seems to be to make themselves the point -- of every situation or conversation -- this observation really resonated with me.

Second, her husband Alex said that at some point during her fight with cancer, she told him, "I am so GLAD that I have stage 4 breast cancer." And he asked incredibly, "WHY?" And she answered, "Because it allows me to minister to other women who have it in a way that I would never have otherwise been able to." I can tell you right here, right now, I AM NOT THAT SELFLESS. I'd love to be that person, but I'm not.

Third (and I can't remember whether it was Alex or Mandy who noted this in their remarks), Jan operated under the philosophy, "Don't waste your suffering." Mandy said it's based on James 1, and Jan truly lived by it. She was a champion for a cure for cancer and ministered to so many other people who live with it day in, day out. She was instrumental in the launch and ongoing ministry of the Angel Squad, which provides one-on-one support to breast cancer patients and their caregivers in Birmingham. She wasted not one minute of her suffering. If more "well people" gave as much of themselves every day as Jan did while she was sick, this world would be a remarkably different place.

Jan leaves behind quite a legacy of beautiful, healthy, talented children and grandchildren who are great assets to the world. Beyond the gifts she left the medical community, she left the rest of us the amazing gift of her family.

And to them I say, Jan was extraordinary in every way. It was an honor to have been invited to celebrate her life with you, and I am heartened to know that today she is dancing with the Father, officially now part of His true Angel Squad. God bless and God speed.

Ready, aim, fire

There's just nothing like a good, old-fashioned water balloon fight.

I found a few packs of water balloons last summer at the Dollar Store and stocked up on them. This week the boys wanted to pull some out, fill them up and launch them at each other.

Here's Nathaniel by his freshly filled ammunition. THAT IS A LOOK OF PRIDE.

And here's Nick with his pile. THAT IS A LOOK OF ANTICIPATION. The anticipation of condoned, sustained violence, of the glory of being wet in the summertime, of possibly maiming one's brother. His joy knows no bounds.

They took a couple of practice throws to get ready.

And then it began. I didn't want to subject anyone to the full battle, but I captured a couple of minutes of it.

Laughter, tears and welts were all a part of the afternoon. I'm pretty sure they don't think it could have gone any better.

Jake, the soccer star

Jake is actually much better at kicking the soccer ball than he appears to be in this video, but you know how it is with kids and video cameras. You take what you can get. Or, as Nick says, "You get what you get and you don't pitch a fit!"

So, even though he can dribble the ball the length of the den and appears at all other times to be the next David Beckham, I now present to you a brief video of Jake connecting solidly with the ball once.

Grinning from ear to ear

OK, if this doesn't make you grin, there's just nothing I can do for you. You are irredeemable. (Melanie M., that means "hopeless." Ha!)

This couple was on The Today Show this morning, and I think their entire wedding party is supposed to be on tomorrow morning.

RECORD IT, PEOPLE.

These are some fun-lovin' folks.

Failing fantastically

Fail Blog routinely posts some real winners. For whatever reason, several of today's entries absolutely tickled me.

They call this one "Hat Fail," but I personally don't think the HAT is the one in the picture that's failing.




This one is titled "Bouncy Slide Fail," with good reason.




I think it would have been a better choice to design the slide wherein the children would come sliding out the dog's mouth, but whatever.

And this one is titled "Educational Software Sign Fail," and I believe that is a totally appropriate title. My word.

15 months and counting

It's hard to believe that little Jakey is already 15 months old! The time since he was born has flown by more quickly than any other year I can remember. We went earlier this week for his 15-month checkup at the pediatrician's office. Our regular pediatrician, Dr. Amy, wasn't there, so we saw her partner, Dr. Malone.


"What is this thing? I'm WAY to big for it."






"While I'm waiting on you to do WHATEVER, I'll just pinch myself and see if I can figure out my BMI. No hurry."

"How long til Dr. Malone comes in? I'm fine. I'll just play with this tissue."

"OMG, I LOVE TISSUES. I could play with them all day." [Rip, rip, rip. Shred, shred, shred.]

"Seriously, I'm just going to make myself comfortable and keep shredding until he walks in the door."

"I can make lots of different shapes."

"I can make a BIG MESS."

"THIS IS TOTALLY AWESOME."

"Do I have to quit? Please don't make me quit."

"HI, Dr. Malone! I love it when you listen to my chest. Nice watch. Also, sorry I ripped the pop-up Elmo out of your book."

"Can I please rip the stethoscope out of your ear? No? You ruin all my fun."

"And then you go and want to look in my ears! THE NERVE."

"I could totally do without this. GET THAT THING OUT OF MY EAR."

"I forgive you, for now. But I can hold a grudge with the best of 'em, so watch out NEXT time, Buster."