Once upon a time, there was a blogger princess who had hemorrhoids. Her hemorrhoids grew and grew, then grew some more, and finally she decided that she needed to see them so that she could assess whether a doctor’s visit was appropriate.
So she bent over and bent over, and tried to bend over again. But try as she might, she was unable to see her hemorrhoids in the mirror. “My goodness!” she exclaimed. “I simply cannot bend past 60 degrees, what with all this pain in my rear end!”
She thought and she thought, and then she thought some more. “Would my darling husband be willing to look at my swollen bottom? Does he love me enough to take one for the team?”
The answer was a resounding “NO!” that was heard throughout the kingdom.
“My oh my, whatever will I DO?” the blogger princess wondered. “Aha!” she said, as a lightbulb went off in her head. “I can take a picture of my swollen, ape-like bottom, so I can see the trouble really close-up!”
The blogger princess
trod like an elephant flitted gracefully over to her
iPhone and opened up the Instagram app. “Yes, THIS will be as easy as pie,” she
thought to herself.
And just like that, the image appeared on her screen. The blogger princess looked at it this way, then looked at it thatta way. Then she turned her phone sideways and looked at it again. She tried the Rise filter and the Earlybird filter and the Inkwell filter and the Kelvin filter, oh my! So many choices! And then she tapped the green Checkmark symbol to save it to her phone.
“Terrific!” thought she. “Now I can compare it to a future photo and see if they’ve gotten any worse. How convenient!”
The blogger princess filed it away in her Camera Roll, thinking she’d tough it out and see if her hemorrhoids were any worse in two more days. 'Til then, off to rule the kingdom!
When she opened Instagram up a couple of days later, she was surprised to see a little icon pop up on her screen. “What does THAT mean?” she wondered innocently. She tapped the icon, and up popped a second screen THAT SAID SOMEONE HAD COMMENTED ON A PHOTO IN HER STREAM.
“Comment?!” the blogger princess thought wildly. “How can someone comment on a photo in my stream? What is a stream?? WHO CAN SEE MY STREAM???”
And there, before her very eyes, in vivid color, was a thumbnail picture of her swollen sphincter. Posted next to it was a comment that asked, “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?”
And that, Internet, is How Not To Use Instagram.