It's possible I should feel insulted

Every night at supper after we finish talking about the boys' day at school, we pull two cards from our TableTopics - Family Edition.

It's not that we don't have anything to talk about with the kids ... it's just that it's so much fun to have really interesting questions to ask them, things that you might think are "above their heads," but that they actually come up with fascinating answers for. (I know that should be, "things for which they actually come up with fascinating answers," but I'm ignoring it ... more for your sakes than mine. You're welcome, Mel.) The boys enjoy it so much that we have to set a limit of two cards per night, or they'd want to do the whole box at once!

The cards aren't really the point of this post, but I have to say that it's a great thing to do with your family, and we've enjoyed both versions of Table Topics that we have. (We also have the red ones, which are the Original set.) There's a Couples version, a Girls' Night Out version, College, Book Club, Teen ... you get the gist. They make a great hostess gift and -- for teens or college students -- wonderful birthday or graduation gifts. Just a thought!

Anyway, last night at supper we pulled a card that said, "What event in the past or future would you like to experience in person?"

Nathaniel: "Take a rocketship to Mars." [And then he proceeded to give us a detailed five-minute explanation of how the engineers would build the rocketship and how it would get to Mars and how space exploration would continue from there.]

Nicholas: "Win a professional baseball game." [When pressed, he said he meant like a World Series game. Fall Ball starts this weekend, so he's got baseball on the brain.]

Jake: "Rockaship tuh Mahs."

Grayson: "Go back and see what they really used the pyramids for, because they definitely didn't use them for storing dead bodies." [I've said it before and I'll say it again: Back off, ladies, he's mine.]

Me: "Hear Martin Luther King, Jr.'s 'I Have a Dream' speech."

Grayson: [dumbfounded but joking] "Did you sneak a peek at the card before supper and think about that answer, or did you come up with that on your own just now?"

Me: "That is OFFENSIVE. What? I can't come up with a good answer on my own?"

I'd ACTUALLY be offended, but you know, I can't really blame him. After all, I'm not smart enough to enjoy listening to NPR.

You never ask me any questions, so I'm just gonna offer up a bunch of stuff

Sometimes all the nature in nature ruins the experience for me. Examples: mosquitoes and ants in The Preserve, my backyard and my driveway. See also: the Heated Hotness that is the summer sun in Alabama.

&

I can be very selfish. I try not to be, but sometimes I just want the really good parking spot, sometimes my need to record Grey's Anatomy trumps your need to record Battlefields of Ancient Mesopotamia or Whatever Else is Playing on the History Channel, and sometimes I HAVE to eat some of the raw cookie dough before I bake it.

& 

I'm surprised that whomever wrote the book of Revelation didn't include ABC's Bachelor Pad in the list of signs of the end times. Because, PEOPLE. It is epically humiliating to the entire human race, that we live among people like that. I should know, because I am watching it.

& 

White legal pads, Sharpie pens and Post-it Notes are my go-to office supplies. I cannot make it without them. Perhaps I ought to start grooming at least one of my boys to be an Office Depot store manager when they grow up.

& 

It freaks me out when I get into someone's car at the same time they do, and when the radio comes on, it's on NPR. Like, they were listening to it the last time they turned the engine off, not knowing that I would be riding with them to lunch later. Like, it wasn't a deliberate setup to make them look smart ... they were ACTUALLY listening to it for pleasure. Or whatever. I will just wave my freak flag high right now: I am not smart enough to enjoy listening to NPR.

An open letter to some Mr. and Mrs.

Dear Couple Who Arrived Three Minutes After the Movie Started Last Night,

I arrived at my seat -- right in the center of the theatre -- 22 minutes early. That was no mistake; it was by design. I like to sit right in the middle so that I neither have to look up or down, left or right, to see the screen. I was distracted by the way:

1. You stood in the aisle during the previews, casting about aimlessly, whispering loudly about where two seats could be found together.

2. You loudly decided that there were NOT two seats to be found together, but maybe the people on THIS row would move over to make room for you.

3. You scooted all the way down my aisle to ME and asked ME to move over one seat so you could sit together.

4. The scent of your over-applied perfume wafted over me, worrying me to the point of distraction that I was going to end up with a migraine before the end of the movie.

5. You kept your leg crossed toward me all night, gently bumping up against my shin when you laughed.

So, you see, in addition to the fact that Mark Wahlburg kept his shirt on for the ENTIRE movie, you aided in ruining the experience for me with your inconsiderate nature. In the future, I'd appreciate it if you'd get there early.

Get. There. Early.

Rockin' the dentist's office

I took the boys in for their six-month teeth cleanings late last week. They started out happily hanging out in the playroom adjacent to the waiting room.

I love how the big boys always include Jakey.

They were entertained for about 15 minutes, then came trooping back out to see me and grab some reading material.

Nathaniel chose Parenting Magazine (over Highlights, which surprised me). Nick chose a Diego book.

Jakey chose National Geographic. No kiddie stuff for him.

They busied themselves reading until we got called back.

Nick had to have x-rays taken, which he complained about because the spacers "cut his mouth."

Jakey, who's cutting his 2-year molars, and I stood out in the hallway while the x-rays were being completed. He's been chewing on his left hand CONSTANTLY since these teeth started bothering him. His hand smells like an old shoe all the time now. Gross.

Nathaniel got settled in with his hygienist, and he did great for his cleaning.

Dr. Mike gave him a great report when he came in to check on him. No cavities!

Meanwhile, Nick started his cleaning. He also held his own, with no fussing and was very obedient with the hygienist. NOW IF ONLY WE COULD TRANSFER THAT OBEDIENCE TO SCHOOL.

Then it was Jakey's first time! He came with us last time to "observe" so that he'd know what was going to happen this time. He wasn't scared at all and hopped right up in the chair. And the hygienist had some helpers when she got to Jake, as you can see.

I BET THAT DIDN'T ANNOY HER AT ALL.

I thought he might argue with her about the cleaning, but he didn't.

If anything, he wanted me to stop with the pictures already.

When he was all done, Dr. Mike came back in and checked out both Nick and Jake. No cavities for Jake! But we need to floss.

No cavities for Nick! But we need to floss.

I don't know about you, but flossing a 2-year-old's teeth wasn't exactly on my Bucket List. I could go the rest of my life without fighting that particular battle.

Jakey didn't like the sound of flossing ... particularly after just having had it done ... so he wouldn't pose with Dr. Mike. But the other two did. They like him ... he's great with the kids!

We probably ought to celebrate the absence of cavities with some ice cream tonight. What do you think Dr. Mike would say?

What's in your purse?

Over at Petit Elephant, Allison's been doing a What's in Your Purse Series. I've been enjoying it, so I thought I'd share my own version with you.

Vera Bradley, yellowbird pattern, discontinued*

When I went to dump it all out, I was actually surprised at how LITTLE was in it, because it's so darn heavy. The only things I left out were my four (FOUR!) checkbooks, only two of which I use with any regularity at all and which I should stash at home in a drawer.

TANGENT: The reason I don't leave them at home in a drawer is because I have a friend who had some people visit her home who snooped in her drawers and ended up taking several blank checks with them when they left. They then USED the checks, and although she eventually got it all worked out with her bank, it was a huge inconvenience to her.

Anyway, I left the checkbooks out of the picture, but everything else is just as it was yesterday afternoon:

1. Two pairs of sunglasses from Target, which sadly replaced My Favorite Sunglasses of All Time by Fossil, which I lost at Disney World on Rockin' Rollercoaster in January.
2. A little Vera Bradley notepad and Pilot pen so I can jot down the 20 things a day I'd forget if I didn't jot them down.
3. The bag of verboten pacis that I threw in my purse when we left the beach last month so that there wouldn't be a risk of Jake seeing them on the drive home or of them showing up in our luggage when we got home. Mission accomplished. Here it is six weeks later, and I just found them.
4. A Mickey Mouse cell phone, tucked in my purse in case of a toddler meltdown that a forgotten toy MIGHT cure.
5. My wallet, also in the Yellowbird pattern by Vera Bradley, also discontinued.
6. A soft baseball we got for free at Park Day in May, courtesy of Great Clips hair salons. Used to distract Jakey occasionally.
7. Keys
8. A pack of Orbit spearmint gum
9. My little catch-all bag, a long-ago Clinique Free Gift, that holds my tape measure, lipstick, nail clippers and a tee-tiny sewing kit.

One of the side pockets holds my ID badge for work, and the other holds my cell phone.

And then we get to the Personal Pharmacy. This purse has a large zippered pocket on the rear side, and I keep some of the most important items of all time in it:

Do you particularly like how I have the same number of items in the pharmaceuticals aisle of my purse as I had in the main compartment?

1. Ibuprofen (three at the onset of a headache)
2. Extra-Strength Tylenol (mostly for other people now that I know it doesn't help my headaches)
3. Pocket spray Listerine
4. Pocket spray Neosporin (I can never reach for the Listerine in the movie theatre, because Lord knows I can't tell those two things apart by shape in the dark. SIMILAR PRODUCT DESIGN FAIL.)
5. My high-octane prescription migraine meds
6. Band-Aids
7. Eyedrops
8. Sample of Treximet, a new migraine med that my friend Honor (a nurse practitioner) wants me to try. (I've been reluctant because what I have works about 85 percent of the time, but at some point I'm gonna give it a go.)
9. A completely decimated box of Sudafed for use when I am caught off guard by a cold and can't breathe at work.

And now you know way more about me than you ever wanted to. How that makes this day any different than any other day, I couldn't tell you.

What's in your purse?

* I buy all of my purses off of eBay, where you can get lots of Vera Bradley items in discontinued styles and fabrics from sellers who live in non-smoking homes. I have gotten purses like that at 75-percent discounted prices, so it's well worth a look!

Things that remind me of my mom: the '80s

Well this just went and turned itself into a series. I didn't intend to do four posts on things I remember from the '80s, but it's happening. So far I've made a list of general things that remind me of my childhood, a list of things that remind me of my sister from the same time period, and now it's my mom's turn. (Dad, get ready. Yours is coming next week.)

(Too bad I didn't know all the rest of you back then; I could build an entire blog around it.)

One of the things I remember about growing up was a distinct excitement when my parents would have Date Night. It meant that we would have a babysitter, and we always hoped it would be one we could talk into letting us stay up well past our bedtime. One in particular -- whose name escapes me now -- would let us stay up until we saw headlights sweep past the front windows, and then she'd tell us to race up to our rooms, get in bed and pretend to be asleep. For all I know, it was only 8:01 at that point ... but staying up even a few minutes late felt mysterious and daring at that age.

I DIGRESS. The POINT is that I associate several things about my mom with Date Night. She could always be counted upon to use copious amounts of aerosol hairspray to hold her look in place.

And she had a drawer full of L'eggs pantyhose from which to choose the perfect shade ... which was usually REALLY tan.

And there were lots of times I grabbed that pink-and-green tube of mascara off the counter, just to see what it was like. It was usually "like" a mess.

But the MOST telltale sign of Date Night was -- and still is -- Shalimar perfume. I'll remember that scent to my grave. It STILL makes me think of babysitters every time I smell it.

Mom has had many cars since I was born, but two stand out in my mind. The first was her blue Datsun 210 station wagon. Those seats were HOT in the Summer.

The second was her tan station wagon with the faux wood paneling. I couldn't find a picture of the exact model, but this is sort of close to it. This style of wagon was the Honda Odyssey of my youth; almost every mom in the cul-de-sac had one of some description.

Brownies remind me of my mom, too. My troop met in a church in Marietta, and all I remember about the experience was singing the song ("I have something in my pocket that belongs across my face. I keep it very close to me, in a most convenient place. I bet you'll never guess it if you guess a long, long while, so I'll take it out and put it on, it's a great big Brownie smile!") and that the room was really poorly lit, even in the daytime. And also, I was a real stickler about Mom sewing those badges on my sash the MINUTE I earned them.

But we didn't stop at Brownies, OH NO WE DIDN'T. We marched onward and upward, and when we moved to Raleigh I became a

My strongest memory of that is being at the Millbrook Exchange Park community center, making anise cookies. (Anise tastes like licorice, if you've never had it.) Pretty sure I earned some sort of BADGE for that.

Mom didn't carry any treats or candy around with her to appease us when we were bored or fussy. (Still doesn't.) But she carried around some sugar-free mints that -- when we were totally desperate, like in church -- we would dig around in her purse to find.

Here's a fact: Velamints tasted about the same whether they were fresh out of the package or if they'd been floating around loose in the bottom of her purse for six weeks before we found them.

And speaking of her purses, Mom was a Purse Hound. She's never carried EXPENSIVE purses, name-brand purses, but she's always had a ton of purses of some description and color. And you know what REALLY floated her boat? Her wood purse handle with interchangeable cotton sacks that buttoned on it. (She's always been thrifty when it comes to certain things, so this was a great find.)

Thinking about that purse and all of its mates in her closet reminded me of these socks she used to wear. Remember these?

Back in the day, she played a lot of tennis. I remember lots of pairs of those socks with different colored pom poms on them. And GUESS WHAT? They're back. This is a current picture. Go, Nike, go.        

Mom's always been a music lover and majored in piano performance in college. She liked a lot of music, though, not just piano concertos and classical music. One of her favorite albums was Hard Day's Night, and my sister and I learned every word of every song. We'd sing it at high volume in the den, and Mom thought it was great. Or at least, she SAID she thought it was great.

And while she did like some of the more popular music, she really WAS a diehard fan of some of opera's greats. Beverly Sills will always remind me of Mom ...

... as will Luciano Pavarotti.

And last but not least, as we got older and contemporary pop music got more ... je ne sais pas ... offensive? Loud? Whatever. It hurt her ears. And she'd change the station to NPR. And I am sorry. But when you are 10 years old, there's nothing you want to listen to LESS than NPR.

But eventually she was always willing to turn the station back to something we wanted to listen to, like Duran Duran, Eurythmics, Whitney Houston or Journey.

Thanks for the memories, Mom!

Yet

I hope I haven't eaten the most satisfying meal of my life yet. I hope I haven't seen my favorite movie yet. I hope I haven't found my favorite blog yet. I hope I haven't already laughed the hardest I'll ever laugh or cried my happiest tears yet.

I hope I haven't watched my favorite TV show of all time yet. I hope I haven't written my best blog post yet. I hope I haven't visited my favorite place on Earth or had the happiest day of my life yet.

I hope I haven't heard the best Carrie Underwood song yet. I hope I haven't eaten the best tomato sandwich yet. I hope I haven't seen the most entertaining reality show yet. I hope I haven't had my proudest moment as a mother or experienced the best year of my marriage yet.

I hope I haven't met my funniest friend yet. I hope I haven't reached my intelligence potential yet. I hope I haven't seen the best Jennifer Garner movie yet. I hope I haven't been the healthiest I'll ever be or reached the pinnacle of my professional success yet.

I hope I haven't discovered my favorite author yet. I hope I haven't made my parents the proudest I'll ever make them yet. I hope I haven't experienced the most exciting night of my life or had my brightest idea yet.

I hope I haven't had the best year of my life yet.

Because even though my life is pretty darn good, I still want to believe that the best is yet to come.

Those lyin' eyes

Sunday afternoon Grayson took Nathaniel and Nicholas to the library to check out their game selection. When they came home, Nick came bounding into the den:

Nick: [excitedly] "MOMMY. Can I play my new Wii game?"

Me: "Sure."

Nick: "IT'S GONNA BE SO. MUCH. FUN."

Me: "What is it?"

Nick: "GI JOE!"

Nick: [mumbles] "It's rated Teen."

Me: "WHAT?"

Nick: "DADDY. MOMMY SAYS I CAN PLAY IT."

Grayson: "You did?"

Me: "Well, he left out the pertinent point until after I'd said yes. But I'll watch it as they play it, and if it's worse than Star Wars, we'll turn it off."

So there was that little lie of omission on Sunday, and then yesterday morning when the alarm went off, I heard Nathaniel jump out of bed and run downstairs without brushing his teeth or going to the bathroom. When Grayson went downstairs, I asked him to check with Nathaniel to see if he'd brushed his teeth. He later reported back that he had. I marched straight into the bathroom and found a sink and toothbrush that were both dry as a bone.

[And here is where I realize I have turned into my mother -- complete with references to "DRY AS A BONE" -- because she both checked our toothbrushes AND smelled our breath while attending to this very matter when we were growing up.]

So I went downstairs and called Nathaniel up.

Me: "Why did you tell Daddy you'd brushed your teeth?"

Nathaniel: "Because I did."

Me: "No, you didn't. Come here. Sink: DRY. Toothbrush: DRY. Brush them now. And Don't Lie To Me."

Nathaniel: [abashed] "Okay."

So here's the thing: those are the little lies. But they are only 7 and 5. Am I the only one worried about the Big Ones to come? 2018, I fear you.

Slices of Life, Vol. 31

When Honor visited recently, we took the kids out to a Japanese steakhouse for supper one night. We sat down at our table and waited for our chef to make his appearance. Several minutes later, our Very Authentically Japanese chef arrived at our table and welcomed us:

Chef: "Good evening and welcome to Sumo! I am pleased you've joined us tonight."

Nick: [shock and awe on his face] "MOMMY. I UNDERSTAND JAPANESE!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Nick: "Mommy, I gave myself a new name: Nicholas Pooteus."

Me: "Nick, that is very appropo. Good job."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

On the way to the beach, we'd barely left our overnight stopover town when Nicholas started asking when we'd be there.


Nick: "Mommy. How much longer 'til we get there?"


Me: "About five and a half hours."


[15 minutes pass]


Nick: "Mommy. How much longer 'til we get there?"


Me: "About five hours and 15 minutes."


[10 minutes pass]

Nick: "Mommy. How much longer 'til we get there?"


Me: "A little over five hours, and I don't want to answer that question again. We'll let you know when we're getting close, or -- even BETTER -- you'll know we're there when we pull into the driveway."


[3 minutes pass]

Nick: "Mommy. How long has it been since we LEFT?"

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

One evening while we were at the beach, supper was being served a little later than usual. The boys had gathered in our room while they were waiting. Jakey was particularly ready to eat, and Nick was trying to help me distract him.

Nick: "Jakey, do you want to watch a show?"

Jake: "NO. I WANT TO WATCH SUPPER."

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

While we were out to supper the other night, Jake spied one of these across the room:

Jake: "I want a treat. I want a treat. I want a treat. I want a treat. I WANT A TREAT. I WANT A TREAT. I WANT A TREAT."

Grayson: "Did you bring a quarter, Jake? Because those treats cost a quarter."

Jake: "I want a quarter. I want a quarter. I WANT A QUARTER."

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A couple of weeks ago I taught Nathaniel how to add things to his Amazon wish list so that I wouldn't have to do it anymore. Then the other night, he called me in to the computer:

Nathaniel: "Mommy. I can't find Metroid Prime Hunters on my wish list."

Me: "It should be right there about halfway down the page."


Nathaniel: "It's not there."

Me: [peeking over his shoulder] "Well, good Lord, Nathaniel, you've added so many things to your list you've got three pages of items now!"

Nathaniel: [exasperated] "I KNOW. You REALLY shouldn't have taught me how to do this." 

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Nathaniel: "Mommy, it would be great if -- when you put a drink box in with my snack for school -- YOU'D INCLUDE A STRAW."


Me: "I DID include a straw. It fell off the juice box and was laying right on top of it. You're just like Daddy, with your visual disability. You have no peripheral vision, you only see what's right in front of you, on the top layer of everything, and you won't dig to find anything to save your life."


Nicholas: "HEAR THAT, NATHANIEL? YOU CAN'T DIG ANY BETTER THAN AN OLD MAN."

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And I don't think I've ever shared a conversation between me and Grayson in Slices before, but this  made me laugh for five minutes when it happened. On Saturday at Chick-fil-A:

Me: "I think we have too much ice cream. Next time instead of an Ice Dream for each of us, we should just get two larger Ice Dreams and five spoons."

Grayson: "Umm, would one of those Ice Dreams be for you and the other one be for the rest of us?"

Me: "Nooo, I WOULD SHARE."

Grayson: "Oh. Because sometimes you aren't the best sharer when it comes to something like ice cream."

Me: "You must have me confused with your second wife."

Grayson: "No, SHE'S a GOOD sharer."