I don't know if I'm more surprised that it's ALREADY been six months or that it's ONLY been six months. I've sort of felt that way every day since it happened. Sometimes it seems like it was just a few days ago that I got the shocking wake-up phone call from my parents, and some days it feels like it was an eternity ago. Regardless, the wound hasn't healed. The pain is still fresh.
What I can say with certainty is that in those six months' worth of days, there hasn't been a single waking hour that Kyser and/or Kathryn, Ben and Harry haven't been in my thoughts. I think of Kyser at totally unexpected times with no apparent triggers for the memory, as well as the ones that are more obvious -- any mention of Mobile, Vanderbilt, holidays, hunting, fishing, driving by any Chevron gas station, seeing any piece of pottery -- and most of the time my throat still gets tight and I struggle not to cry.
I can't think of the dignity of his life and without realizing what an antithesis it was to the indignity of the manner of his death. I can't bring to mind the smile that was ever-present on his face and somehow reconcile it with the fear and trepidation that replaced it in his final moments on Earth. I can't recount how much he had already accomplished in his short life without mourning all he had yet to do. I can't relive the hours upon hours that I spent playing with him and Harry when they were young without grieving the fact that I'll never get to meet the children he might have had.
I know I need to get over all of the bad stuff and just try to remember the good, especially since his four alleged killers are behind bars, awaiting trial. My head knows that it doesn't serve any purpose to get bogged down in the tragedy instead of rejoicing in the glory that was Kyser's life and his now-everlasting life -- but my heart has a harder time getting past all of the gruesome facts. And if it remains this hard for me, how much harder is it, day upon day, for Kathryn, Ben and Harry? Please keep them in thought and prayer.
Six months today. How long will it take?
6 comments:
I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I had an answer to the question, "how long will it take?" but, of course, I don't. All I can tell you is that over time, it will become easier to remember the happy times and celebrate his life. Your pain is still fresh, your loss was huge and sudden, but hang in there and do your best to focus on the joy he gave you. Eventually, it will be easier to remember the good times without that crushing pain coming along for the ride, too. Your in my thoughts..
There's no set time, sometimes I wish there was. I loss my best friend/cousin when we were 17 and sometimes it still feels like yesterday. Other times it's easy to just remember all the good stuff. It never stops hurting when a young person leaves suddenly, but you're doing a great job with it. My prayers are with you.
Oh, listen to Kenny Chesney's Who You'd Be Today. It will probably make you cry...but it really seems to fit this situation.
Beautiful. I love you so much!
Thank you, guys. Today was one of those "suffocating" kinds of days. I was in a funk for most of it, but I know that it will get better with time. Appreciate your thoughts and prayers! And Amanda, music really IS therapy for me.
It's been two years for us here. And there are days that overwhelm me with emotion, my kids will say something, I'll see a picture, or just wish that I could tell him something. And those moments will still creep up on you when you least expect it. Our prayers are with you and time does help it get a little less.
Thanks, Rachel. I know it only takes time, but as you said, even two years later it can rise up and slap you in the face. Your continued prayers are so appreciated!
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