Sep 11, 2009

Things people say that make me want to hurt them

** Updated again: My friend Lisa thinks my previous update made her sound like a hag. I am stating for the record that Lisa is not a hag. I am not friends with hags. **

** Updated: My friend Lisa says this post is incredibly rude and off-putting, so I apologize in advance to those who haven't already read it. But I also have to say that I'm enjoying the comments that people are leaving with their own take on annoying grammatical errors. Feel free to chastise me lightly in the Comments if it will make you feel better. **

- FUNCTIONABLE is not a word. The word you're looking for is FUNCTIONAL.

- When it's Monday and I ask you when you're going to the store and you answer, "I just went this weekend," I want to tell you that THIS weekend is coming up. LAST weekend just happened. Acceptable alternatives: "I went on Saturday," or "I went over the weekend."

- My ring finger is not BETWIXT my pinkie and middle fingers. It is BETWEEN them.

- Please don't say, "Call Greg or myself." Only YOU can call yourself. Others are just allowed to call YOU. And for the love of all that's good and holy, please don't change it to "Call Greg or I." That runs a close second.

- "Supposably" was once the focus of a funny subplot on Friends. The REST of us are supposed to say "supposedly."

- When you tell me to "Choose seven breckfassez" for my next food shipment, I'm left sitting here wanting to say, "I'll take 'Breakfast Says' for a thousand, Alex."

- "I'm doing that on tomorrow." Oh, REALLY? You ARE? You're writing the word "tomorrow" on the floor and then dancing around on top of it? Yeah, I didn't think so.

- The Pacific is an ocean. So when you ask me about The Pacifics of my proposal, I'm tempted to start telling you how our new investment account will benefit dolphins and starfish instead of giving you The Specifics in which you were actually interested.

- "I could care less." Yep, and I couldn't care less about your inattention to proper grammar, so I'm not going to correct you in front of all these people.

- If you are going to drink espresso, it would brighten my day if -- as you're recounting to me later just how wonderful it is -- you wouldn't refer to it as "expresso."

- Driving up to see the beautiful Fall "foilage" next month? Good for you! But as you're regaling everyone with all the details of your MapQuested route, you might want to just start saying, "We're going to check out the leaves."

- New-clear. New-clear. New-clear. Say it with me now. NO, it's actually NOT "nu-cu-ler." But thanks for playing.

- Related: Real-ter. Real-ter. Real-ter. No matter how many times you say it, it will never, ever have an "uh" sound in the middle. It's two syllables, not three.

- For all intensive purposes ... Yes, for all intents and purposes, you are an idiot.

- "Whose car do you want to take?"
- "Let's take Jerry and I's car."
- "Oh dear God, no, not if you're going to use grammar like that the whole trip."

Keepin' it Real
- Up until about three years ago, I always thought that "nuptials" was actually spelled and pronounced "nuptuals." It's not something I spell or say often, but you can imagine how mortified I was when I realized that all three times in my life I might have said it, I mispronounced it.

- And I STILL have trouble with this one. I have to catch myself every single time I say that we're having friends over to dinner. I always want to say, "We're having friends over FOR dinner." Problem is, we're not eating the friends for dinner. And a few years ago, someone corrected me when I said that, and now I don't want to have friends over TO dinner anymore because I'm afraid when I tell someone they're coming over, I'll screw it up.

This venting session was made possible by my diet (and therefore, my all-encompassing grumpiness). Thank you.


Lauren said...

the espresso/expresso one reminded me of a sign that is posted in a local pizza place in the town where i grew up. the place had been open for a few months before i noticed the neon (oh yes, neon--so not easily fixed) sign in the window advertising "cappucino and expresso." ten years later, it's still there...

Rachel said...

hehe. Most of those crack me up. But I do like to hear a good nucular ever now and then. :)

randee said...

just checked out your blog for the first time. you are so very funny (you do intend to be, right?)

one of my daughters-in-love(law) recently informed me that my son & i(& my daughter, as well) have been
pronouncing several words incorrectly. the only one that i can remember at the moment was the best. we say greezy instead of greasy. in my case, it's the result of a lazy tongue. & my children just assumed i was correct. oh be careful what you say, little tongue.

my sister says kuhfay for cafe. drives me crazy.

i'm not a fan of armless chairs, either. i always feel like i need to "buckle up".

thanks for visiting my blog & for your sweet comments. next, i have a huge basement playroom i need to tackle. that's why the bedroom looked so neat. everything's in the basement!

peace -

Wade's World said...

I get irate when I hear people say "skrimp" instead of shrimp or "skreet" instead of street.

My husband has just realized how much he says "aint" since our son has picked it up and now tells us that "he aint gonna pick it up."


RLR said...

Hahahaha! Love these posts (but sorry you are hungry/grumpy)!

By the way, don't you just *love* those signs that show up in the spring offering, "lawn areation"?

Katherine @ Grass Stains said...

Lauren, That's a biggie for me. And the permanence of that particular error really resonates with me! I wonder if anyone's told them it's incorrect ...

Rachel, nucular is a really difficult one for me, because my dad was in the nuclear power safety field for most of my lifetime. I heard that word A LOT, and at least half of the time it was mispronounced (not by my dad, of course)!

Randee, if it makes you feel any better, BOTH pronunciations of "greasy" are acceptable per the dictionary. :)

Wade's World: I CANNOT EVEN SPEAK. "SKRIMP" for "shrimp"? I am beside myself.

Ryan Leigh, Thanks for keeping it real here on the old blawg. YEP, I am GRUMPY to the nth degree. So sorry about it, but it is really a sickness. Maybe in another month or so, when I'm not so hungry all the time, I'll be pleasant again.

But I AM really enjoying everyone's additions to this post!

Erin said...

Hooray! Love this!

Let me add two ...

The word is jew-el-ry. Not jewl-ER-y. For some reason, that drives me as crazy as realtor.

And every time someone asks me where SOMETHING is AT, I am forced, by an inner demon, to screech, "prepositionville!!!!"

Most of the time they just stare at me blankly and try to figure out where the heck prepositionville is at.

Michelle said...

I'm guilt of the "this weekend"! Another one I hear people say is "worth ethic" and "ordaments".

Leslie said...

I have a confession...I have been guilty of saying "expresso." I really thought that was how it was pronounced and spelled until my sister, Christy, corrected me a few years ago. I have no idea how long I said it wrong, but it was YEARS! How embarrassing!

Sewconsult said...

I am standing up & clapping for joy! (No, Joy doesn't live here!) My BIL uses "pitcher" for picture. Don't even want to say how many times I have tried to change him in the past 26 yrs. Some of the others that bother me, more than a bit:
1. He/she don't
2. Salmon...pronouncing the silent L.
3. Flustrated instead of FRUSTRATED.
4. Buffday for birthday
The last one sparked a word game with my daughters. They have come up with many, but I can only think of these 2 at the moment.
!. Flurrel...flattened squirrel
2.Squnk...squashed skunk

Thanks for a good laugh for THIS weekend!
Beckie in Brentwood, TN

Anonymous said...

LOL! "Aks" is the one that gets me. "Let me aks him what he thinks"

I think "Do you really want to axe him?"

Anonymous said...

I made my husband read this because he is the grammar king. He completely agreed with all of them. I would add, "Where you at?" I despise that saying! PS - Love your blog!

Meredith from Williamsburg, VA

Anonymous said...

Not sure how I connected with this blog but I enjoyed reading your post. I HATE.... reconize. I thought I would die when I graduated college and three of the four award ceremonies I attended had presenters who were there to reconize the graduating class. *Insert sound effect - nails running down chalk board* Come on people! Educated people who are presenting at graduation ceremonies no less! It's RECOG - emphasis on the G - NIZE. Recognize. :)

Laura and family said...

How about crayon? I'm guity of this. I say "crown" and no matter how hard I try, it comes out "crown" and not "cray-on." I also can't pronounce "argument" but that's a whole new can of worms :)

My dad says "warsh" instead of "wash..." i.e. Warshington, D.C.


Katherine @ Grass Stains said...

I am having SO MUCH fun reading the comments on this post! I'm so glad that everyone jumped in with their own and that people don't seem to be offended!

Zeta said...

This is very amusing. I had to add:
Preventive vs. Preventative
You can prevent something.
You cannot preventat something.
There is no such thing as preventative medicine. It is preventive.
Also for facebook, blogging, emails, etc., the southern contraction for you all is y'all. NOT yall, ya'll, just y'all.

Lisa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lisa said...

Uh hum, I believe I said it was brutal and tough, not "rude and off-putting". You made me sound like I was really offended, and I wasn't. But lots of people who read the blog (including me, especially when I am talking to people in my family) probably say those things often and I was a little worried for them and their fragile self esteem (I need that sarcasm font).

And I am glad to see from the comments that someone else cannot say '"crayon". DJ says "crown" and it just cracks me up.

MegMc said...

I have to admit I also have grammar pet peeves due to my grammar-loving mother. I have to bite my tongue not to correct someone I barely know (friends are fair game, though). One that immediately comes to mind is IRREGARDLESS.... do people not notice that it is practically a double-negative? Regardless will suffice.

Another pronunciation of jewelry that kills me is JEW-RY.

Any Spanish word that people pronounce incorrectly is also hard to stomach. For example, tortilla. It's tor-tee-ya, not tor-till-a.

For some real entertainment/torture, please watch this Florida senator giving a "speech" to the Senate. Please keep in mind she has a degree in public speaking...

Chris Helms said...

This one isn't grammar, but a pet peeve nonetheless. I work in a newsroom and am mortified when I hear about someone being "electrocuted" when the person actually survived.

Great post, Kat!

lauren @ gathering moss said...

hahaha oh my gosh, LOVE. i'll admit that i break grammar rules on my blog, but it's on purpose. artistic license, whathaveyou. leslie of sharp stick in the eye and i went to the same elementary/high school, and everyone there is completely indoctrinated to become the grammar police. we feel you.

i don't know that this is technically wrong, but using "whenever" instead of "when" makes me insane. like "whenever we were at church last sunday" - that was a specific incident! when!

Andrea Spamdrea said...

I LOVE THIS! A friend sent it to me because we often sit around discussing the ridiculous things that come out of people's mouths. We live in Central Florida so you know we've got plenty of fuel for THAT fire! Your "nuptials" one made me think of an incident I had a couple years ago. I was in the store looking for Orange Sherbet (with aforementioned friend) except I was pronouncing it Sher-bert. That was how my grandmother pronounced it and the only way I had ever heard it. He corrected my pronunciation and I adamantly defended what I believed was the CORRECT way. I worked at Baskin Robbins for 2 years, I SHOULD KNOW DAMMIT! This went on for 10 minutes until we found the Orange Sher-BET... I was mortififed!

Katherine @ Grass Stains said...

Andrea, SHERBET is one of my BIG ONES. I have told so many people about it, and most didn't believe me. Some of them even pulled up in my presence to fact-check me. The good part: I WON! :)

Auntie said...

I just popped over to your blog today after my daily visit to little Jonah, and after "lurking" through multiple posts, I can't help but comment on my biggest grammatical pet peeve. I despise when people say "these ones" or "those ones". The manager at our local American Eagle Store, when assisting my boys in buying jeans, consistantly hands them various pairs for consideration and asks them, "Do you like these ones?" It DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!!
Love your blog!

Lacy said...

Hi- I just found your blog through Patrice's and find this post hilarious! You are so right! My biggest peve? There, Their, and They're. Drives. Me. Nuts!
I correct people all of the time in my head... I am definitely a Grammar Queen!

Katherine @ Grass Stains said...

Lacy, thanks so much for coming by! I tried to find an email address on your profile but was unsuccessful ... so I just hope you'll see this comment back! They're/their/there is one of the biggies, isn't it? So nice to meet you!

baseballmom said...

How about "hot water heater"? Drove my mother nuts and now it drives me nuts. If the water is already hot, why the heater?

First visit. Love the blog. Will be back again and again.

Thank you for an intelligent bright spot in an otherwise dreary day!

Katherine @ Grass Stains said...

OH NO! I think I'M guilty of hot water heater! I can't think straight right now ... maybe I don't say that. But I think I do. ;)

lanni said...

Katherine -- thanks for visiting and commenting at Dandy Giveaway! I just found your blog and it is HILARIOUS. and i could not agree with you more about these -- and i would like to add to your list "case and point." also annoying.

Katherine @ Grass Stains said...

Lanni, I'll have to use that one in my next post!

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