** Updated again: My friend Lisa thinks my previous update made her sound like a hag. I am stating for the record that Lisa is not a hag. I am not friends with hags. **
** Updated: My friend Lisa says this post is incredibly rude and off-putting, so I apologize in advance to those who haven't already read it. But I also have to say that I'm enjoying the comments that people are leaving with their own take on annoying grammatical errors. Feel free to chastise me lightly in the Comments if it will make you feel better. **
- FUNCTIONABLE is not a word. The word you're looking for is FUNCTIONAL.
- When it's Monday and I ask you when you're going to the store and you answer, "I just went this weekend," I want to tell you that THIS weekend is coming up. LAST weekend just happened. Acceptable alternatives: "I went on Saturday," or "I went over the weekend."
- My ring finger is not BETWIXT my pinkie and middle fingers. It is BETWEEN them.
- Please don't say, "Call Greg or myself." Only YOU can call yourself. Others are just allowed to call YOU. And for the love of all that's good and holy, please don't change it to "Call Greg or I." That runs a close second.
- "Supposably" was once the focus of a funny subplot on Friends. The REST of us are supposed to say "supposedly."
- When you tell me to "Choose seven breckfassez" for my next food shipment, I'm left sitting here wanting to say, "I'll take 'Breakfast Says' for a thousand, Alex."
- "I'm doing that on tomorrow." Oh, REALLY? You ARE? You're writing the word "tomorrow" on the floor and then dancing around on top of it? Yeah, I didn't think so.
- The Pacific is an ocean. So when you ask me about The Pacifics of my proposal, I'm tempted to start telling you how our new investment account will benefit dolphins and starfish instead of giving you The Specifics in which you were actually interested.
- "I could care less." Yep, and I couldn't care less about your inattention to proper grammar, so I'm not going to correct you in front of all these people.
- If you are going to drink espresso, it would brighten my day if -- as you're recounting to me later just how wonderful it is -- you wouldn't refer to it as "expresso."
- Driving up to see the beautiful Fall "foilage" next month? Good for you! But as you're regaling everyone with all the details of your MapQuested route, you might want to just start saying, "We're going to check out the leaves."
- New-clear. New-clear. New-clear. Say it with me now. NO, it's actually NOT "nu-cu-ler." But thanks for playing.
- Related: Real-ter. Real-ter. Real-ter. No matter how many times you say it, it will never, ever have an "uh" sound in the middle. It's two syllables, not three.
- For all intensive purposes ... Yes, for all intents and purposes, you are an idiot.
- "Whose car do you want to take?"
- "Let's take Jerry and I's car."
- "Oh dear God, no, not if you're going to use grammar like that the whole trip."
Keepin' it Real
- Up until about three years ago, I always thought that "nuptials" was actually spelled and pronounced "nuptuals." It's not something I spell or say often, but you can imagine how mortified I was when I realized that all three times in my life I might have said it, I mispronounced it.
- And I STILL have trouble with this one. I have to catch myself every single time I say that we're having friends over to dinner. I always want to say, "We're having friends over FOR dinner." Problem is, we're not eating the friends for dinner. And a few years ago, someone corrected me when I said that, and now I don't want to have friends over TO dinner anymore because I'm afraid when I tell someone they're coming over, I'll screw it up.
This venting session was made possible by my diet (and therefore, my all-encompassing grumpiness). Thank you.