Jun 1, 2017

Is 'Boss Baby' rated R?

Amelia and Jake have been wanting to see Boss Baby for a while and the opportunity came up to see it over Memorial Day weekend.

I use the word "opportunity" loosely here.

Grayson and Nathaniel were on a scuba diving trip to the Florida Keys, so I took Nick, Jake and Amelia to the theater on Sunday for a "cheap" matinee showing. $40 in tickets and $50 in snacks and drinks later, we were in our seats and the trailers were beginning.

First up was Transformers: The Last Knight, and then Wonder Woman. Next up was Star Wars: The Last Jedi. I turned to Nick and said, "These trailers all seem a little mature for the little kids who're here for Boss Baby. You think?" He nodded. 

Then again, I hadn't actually WATCHED the trailer for Boss Baby, so ... 

But then the trailer for Cars 3 started, and I breathed a sigh of relief. And after that, Spider-Man: Homecoming -- which, while still not what I'd call a film for the toddler and preschool set, it was definitely preferable to what came next: THE MUMMY

INTERNET. Some serious STUFF goes down in that trailer. I looked over at Nick and I said, "THIS IS RIDICULOUS. This is COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE for 4- and 5-year-olds!" Nick had his ears plugged with his fingers and he was looking down at his lap. He couldn't even look at the screen. I could hear small children whimpering and a couple even crying elsewhere in the theater.

I looked over to my left at Jake and Amelia and said, "Hey! Guys, DON'T LOOK AT THIS. It's WAY too scary. I'm not even looking at it!" Guess who wouldn't take their eyes off it it. Yeah, eyes wide as saucers and glued to the giant screen, Amelia said to me, "I'M NOT SCAWED AT AWE. THIS ISN'T SCAWY, MOMMY. ISS FINE."

Finally, BY THE GRACE OF GOD the Disney logo came up on the screen. But Cinderella's castle was black, and thunder and lightning were going on behind the castle. For the last time, I again looked at Nick: "WHY is it thundering and lightning behind Cinderella's castle? Is Boss Baby a scary movie? Did I bring you to a movie about some kind of demented baby who literally tortures a family in their basement? WHAT. IS. HAPPENING."

Nick shrugged. To my left, Amelia was applauding the thunder and lightning behind Cinderella's castle. (Special effects!)

As if in slow motion, the movie started. And it was not animated. As it turned out, the little boy on the screen was a young Jack Sparrow.

WE HAD JUST SAT THROUGH 20 MINUTES OF TRAILERS FOR PG, PG-13 AND NOT-YET-RATED FILMS. No wonder my Spidey Senses were on high alert.

At this point, about 10 parents got up from their seats and sprinted out of the theater, presumably to stop the madness. Meanwhile, onscreen, Jack Sparrow was telling his dad that he was going to go on this voyage whether he liked it or not. Even if his dad threw him overboard, he'd still find a way to go. [Insert rough seas, creepy men and lots of yelling. Now real-life theater kids were crying again.]

I looked over at Jake and Amelia (no worries about Nick, whose eyes were firmly fixed on the upper-right corner of the theater ceiling) and told them to just look at me, that this would all be taken care of in a minute. They paid me absolutely zero attention. Amelia, eyes still on the screen, said, "I WIKE THIS WRONG MOVIE."

I looked back up at the screen just in time to see little Jack Sparrow sinking to the bottom of the ocean. I guess his dad took him up on his offer and threw him overboard? I'LL NEVER KNOW. Before it could get any worse, they finally cut the feed and got Boss Baby started for us.


So what's the over-under on Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead showing up on Amelia's Amazon Wishlist before her 6th birthday in September?

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