Apr 9, 2015

Slices of Life: Grandmother Edition

I don't think I ever shared this with you guys, but I can't think of a better time to do so than now.

Several years ago while my sister was visiting Grandmother, she started keeping notes of some of their conversations, Slices-of-Life style. Then she sent them to me, Mom and Dad at the end of the week so we could enjoy them. AND ENJOY THEM, WE DID.

I hope I'm just like Grandmother when I grow up.


While watching an episode of “American Idol”:

Grandmother: Do you watch “Idol”?

Me: No. Do you have a favorite?

Grandmother: No. This season is unremarkable. None of them are as good as Bon Jovi.

Me: Jon Bon Jovi?

Grandmother: Oh, yes! I just love watching that little man sing.

Me: When have you seen Bon Jovi sing?

Grandmother: I’ve seen him on the television.

Me: Wow. I didn’t know you liked Bon Jovi.

Grandmother: Oh, yes. I love him. He’s my hero!

We went to Walmart to get a photo album and some socks for her, and Grandmother was excited to drive one of the automatic “rascal” shopping carts. She wasn’t too adept with it, but that didn’t stop her from plowing around the store like a maniac. She was giggling so hard at one point that she couldn’t catch her breath to tell me what she was looking for—and apparently she had knocked over a display while I wasn’t around (she told me this only after we got back home by saying “you didn’t see the worst one.”)

While watching her “accidentally” ram yet another display in Walmart:

Me: Maybe you should get out and walk into this aisle, it’s pretty narrow.

Grandmother: Oh, no. This is too much fun.

Turning on TV to watch the news:

Grandmother: I watch Bill O’Reilly on Fox. He’s so good. Fair and balanced.

Me: You know that’s just the Fox News slogan, and it’s not necessarily true, right?

Grandmother: [ignoring me] And he’s so smart!

Watching daytime TV:

Grandmother: Do you watch any soaps?

Me: No. Do you?

Grandmother: A couple. I watch “The Young and the Restless” and “The Bold and the Beautiful.”

Me: I watched “The Young and the Restless” in high school during the summer. Are Victor and Jack still on it?

Grandmother: Oh, yes! Jack’s father is appearing to him from beyond the grave. Advising him on business and family affairs.

While taking her blood pressure after she’d been lightheaded all morning, I put the cuff on her upper arm and velcroed it :

Grandmother: Don’t put it on too tight!

Me: I’m not, but it has to be snug to get an accurate measurement.

Grandmother: Well, a close-enough measurement is okay.

Telling me about how she coped with the smell of the dead cat that was caught in her duct work:

Grandmother: I had to spray my pillow every night with Giorgio so I could sleep.

While watching Clemson lose their double-digit lead to Villanova in the NCAA tournament, Grandmother was disgusted by their play. Here are some of her commentary highlights:

I swear! I shouldn’t swear. I declare!

They’re playing like a bunch of dunces.

I’ll be d-a-m-ned.

They should lose!

[turns her head away from the TV in frustration] I’m not watching. [looks at me] Sarah Ellen, you tell me what happens.

We drove to see Grandmother’s yard man, Wilbert, who she couldn’t reach on the phone. When we pulled up, Wilbert walked over and told us he hadn’t been answering his phone because “the law” was after him (it was also very obvious to me that Wilbert was extremely high while we talked to him—at 10 a.m.) Later on, I asked Grandmother if she could trust him:

· Grandmother: Wilbert’s harmless.

· Me: Well, there’s apparently an arrest warrant out for him.

· Grandmother: What?

· Me: When we went over there he said the reason he wasn’t answering his phone is because he’s dodging the cops.

· Grandmother: Oh, no. He was kidding. He was just being smart.

· Me: I don’t think he was.

· Grandmother: No, he was just being silly. You don’t know him…well, either way, he’s better than Calvin. You don’t have to watch Wilbert, he knows what to do. Calvin got hit in the head and hasn’t been the same since.

· Me: What did Calvin get hit in the head with?

· Grandmother: A car.

Grandmother kept offering me panty hose to wear to church for Easter. I assured her I didn’t need any because I had footsies to wear under my heels, but she continued pressing:

· Grandmother: Well, you’ll get cold if you don’t wear hose.

· Me: No, I won’t…you just want me to wear hose, don’t you?

· Grandmother: Your legs are just so white!

While I was packing to leave:

· Grandmother: Don’t forget anything! Sarah Belle always leaves something of hers here. I know there are people in Europe enjoying her things.

While trying on shirts she had just bought at Belk:

Grandmother: This one fits alright, I guess. [Grabbing her chest] My titties have dropped, but I can’t help that.

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