Ten!

Nathaniel,

Ten years ago at this very moment, at 8:45 p.m., I held you in my arms for the first time in a cold, stark delivery room. I remember it with a clarity that I find hard to comprehend … I can still conjure up the scent, the sounds, the sense of excitement and industriousness in the room around us. But we, you and I, and Daddy, we were in a world of our own for a few minutes. The unfamiliar sounds faded away, and we just looked into your navy blue eyes and marveled at your tiny, swaddled body.

The nurses had dimmed the lights in most of the room after they cleaned up the area, leaving random areas lit up as if with spotlights. I remember looking around in sort of a haze and seeing punches of light over the sink where soon you’d be getting your first bath, over the fiberglass bassinet where you’d be getting a diaper change, and on your little head, where I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.

You were silent, not a whimper, just looking around and gently moving your lips. You already looked at me trustingly, as if the moment you laid eyes on me, you knew I was the one. The one who sang at the top of her lungs every morning in the car on the way to work, the one who tapped out crazy beats on her tummy during meetings to see if you would kick back, the one who called you by name 20 times a day so she could get used to saying it, the one who the one who would lay her life down for you.

So here we are, ten years later. You’re taller; I’m the same height. But everything else about our relationship is so much the same as it was that very first day … I’m still captivated by you, I still love to sit and watch you do absolutely nothing, still love to sing with you in the car, still love to say your name out loud. Would still lay my life down for you.

I feel like every day is a grain of sand, and that now far more grains of sand have fallen to the bottom of the hourglass than remain on the top. In less than eight years, you’ll be moving on to adventures I’ll only learn about second-hand … experiencing lots of “firsts” with people other than I. My eyes fill with tears just thinking about it; up until now, almost all of your “firsts” have been with all of us right there, cheering you on.

But no matter where I am, and no matter how far apart we are, I will ALWAYS be cheering you on. Never forget it, never question it. You seemed to know it from the moment you were born, and I’m counting on you to remember it forever.

Ten years. The ten best years of my life.

I love you,
Mommy