Oct 13, 2010

Things I hate: at Ballard Designs

So when I asked you for blog topics you'd like to hear about recently, my friend Walt (who used a pseudonym, but I'm PRETTY SURE it was my friend Walt) suggested a post about things I hate in my porn one of the home catalogs I read, in lieu of the regular posts in which I list the things I love.

And at first I was all like, "How on Earth am I going to find things I hate at Ballard or PB?" Turns out, it wasn't that difficult after all. Let's go!

I hit the jackpot for the first time on page 4 when I saw the Rooftop Finials ($39 to $79). I may be speaking as a parent here, but ohmyword they look like trouble.

I look at these and see my boys grabbing them and using them as weapons, as replacements for their light sabers. Plus, they look a little phallic. Never a good thing on a sideboard, in my opinion.

Same goes for these Mercury Glass Finials ($19 to $49).

Christmastime is a completely inappropriate season for phallic decorating. Valentine's Day, MAYBE, but you're still pushing the limits of good taste, people.

Next I came upon the Wooden Crowns ($79 to $89), which just look like mutated forms of coral to me.

I just feel in my heart like the Wise Men really would have done better.

Now. I'm not against animal print. I AM, however, against animal hide that isn't oversized for proper scale to your room and therefore looks like roadkill dropped right into your foyer. Like so:

LAYERED ROADKILL, NO LESS. For only $449. And if the cowhide weren't rough enough, they have what they term a "Zebra-shaped Rug," about which the only thing I can say is, Yes, it is, in fact, zebra-shaped.

Still, at only $199, you might consider it a steal next to the cowhide version.

Onward! It goes against my nature to rail against a catalog I love so dearly, and yet it must be fulfilling some kind of long-latent need. The time has come. I'M ON A ROLL.

The next item to pop up on my radar was the Niles Double Coat Rack ($179). What problem could I possibly have with a coat rack, you ask?

IT HAS NO DOOR. Perhaps that comes on the $999 version. The lines on it are nice and everything, but EGADS, how quickly would that thing get piled up and overflow? If I had that thing standing in a mammoth foyer like the one in the catalog, it would soon look like every closet in our house had thrown up on it. Trust me on this. I live it every day of my LIFE. That foyer is so big you should just go ahead and build a freaking closet in it, BY THE WAY.

Okay, I just have a few more. Faux Mike Coat Ornaments. DO I EVEN NEED TO COMMENT?

Fine. I bet they smell like my bunny fur coat from the 1980s, like a wet cat. They look like tiny little Chewbacca jackets hanging on that poor Christmas tree. Hardly a bargain at 6 for $20.

At first I wasn't sure about the Fresh Cedar Alphabet Wreath ($35). I mean, the price isn't bad. But after about 30 seconds, I realized what was bothering me about it. It reminds me of The Grinch.

Decision: The only letter that would look good as a wreath is O.

And last but not least, the sweet Montresor Deer ($169 to $199) greeted me toward the back of the catalog. Okay. They're cute. They're seasonal. They're weather-resistant.

But I'll be darned if I'm gonna spend all of November and December being startled as I pass by my back door by seeing two life-like deer who look like they're begging to be let in out of the cold. And I'm QUITE sure Grayson would quickly tire of me yelling at him thrice a day, "HONEY! LET THE DEER IN!"


Rachel said...

Let the deer in? They look like the White Witch from Narnia turned them to stone. Creepy, as my 7 year old would say.

Tamar SB said...

haha those fur coat ornaments are hilarious and hideous all at the same time!

Natalie said...

that is a great post. I love/hate the deer and the fur coat ornaments to..just wierd.

paige said...

SCORE. Best post ever. You're funny when you're an angry shopper.


Promise me you'll do this again. The whole closet rant = some of your best work.

Sewconsult said...

You have to wonder who sits in the marketing conference room, thinking up some of these items, to either have in the catalog or the store inventory itself. The phallic looking items don't bother me so much because I don't have sword waving little boys. The coat rack is a disaster unless you live in a minimalist's loft. It would be the only appropriate location (IMHO). The fur coats would only look good on Clark's Christmas tree in memory of the torched squirrel from Christmas Vacation. The deer are so bad, I can't even think of a possible use.

Katherine @ Grass Stains said...

Ladies, you have no idea how much it pained me to tear Ballard a new one today. However, I'm glad you enjoyed it AND you agree with some of my selections. Um, de-lections?

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